


Nightmare

by cow_cookies



Series: Dreamworld [2]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Canon-Typical Violence, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Letters, M/M, Marine Corps, Secret Relationship, Slash, Tony as a Marine, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-26 18:07:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12563160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cow_cookies/pseuds/cow_cookies
Summary: The second part of Dreamworld. It is the sequel to Dreamland and picks up after Tony left Gibbs at the airport.You need to read Dreamland first otherwise you won’t understand most of this story.





	1. Gone again

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it took so long but I’ve got a new job and, more importantly, this story is torturing me. I really tried to make it a nice fluffy established-relationship-thing but it had it’s own will and made me write other things and due to the fights I had with this story I got stuck several times. Sorry...  
> So please don’t flame me. :(
> 
> Thanks to all of you who encouraged me to write this sequel.
> 
> Thanks to mianmaru for betaing. 
> 
> Sadly and as always I do not own anything regarding NCIS. But the idea/story and the original characters are mine.  
> Sadly as well, I do not earn any money and so on and so on.
> 
> Comments and kudos are very welcome. I’m curious what you think.

 

Gibbs pulled into his driveway. The silence was deafening. He rested his head on the steering wheel trying desperately to not be angry at Tony. He knew it wasn’t his fault, it was his duty but the worry and fear about his love let him be invidious.

Tony had just hopped on a plan to throw himself into the next mission, the next fight, the next chance for death.

Damn! He wasn’t good at being a Marine’s wife. He was used to being the one in danger and not the one left behind.

Now he knew how Shannon must have felt. As a young Marine, he had been eager to fight, to serve, not thinking about the possibility to never return home again. He left her behind to protect the country, not considering how she felt and what she was going through. Now he understood the rare moments where she was angry and disappointed.

Gibbs looked up to the ceiling of the car. “I’m sorry, Shan. If I would have known, I would have done things differently.”

He got out of the Challenger and went straight to the basement. He didn’t want to see his empty house. He didn’t want to acknowledge the silence Tony had left behind.

Walking down the stairs, he breathed deeply in an attempt to calm down. Tony wouldn't be in danger for at least a week. He would be in Camp Pendleton in California until the op started. He didn’t know where Tony was heading then and wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.

He went to his work bench as his gaze fell on a stack of neatly piled letters bound together with a string. On top of it was a single paper, folded and with his name on it.

He sat down taking the note slowly in hand.

 

‘Dear love,

 

I know the days went by way too fast and we didn't have much time to enjoy each other. But the glimpses of how life could be with you were so promising and, hopefully, we will have a lot more of that in the future. Hopefully, you will wait...

I wrote a couple of letters for you, just in case I’m not able to write or call. I want you to open one whenever you need it or feel lonely.

God, love, I miss you already just at the thought of leaving you. I wish I could stay. But I’ll come back home. I promise.

 

I love you.

 

Tony

 

P.S.: Ask McGee to explain to you how Skype works. You will need a laptop for this. Better ask him to buy one for you.’

 

Gibbs smiled. Such a romantic fool. He stroked his hand over the stack of letters. It must have been at least 30 or something. He felt butterflies in his stomach and chuckled about himself. He was way too old for butterflies. But apparently he wasn’t too old to fall head over heels for a goofy, over-romantic Marine with a tendency to get himself in trouble. Gibbs shook his head. He loved every inch of him.

He thought about opening one letter to see what Tony had written. But given the fact that he didn’t know when Tony would be coming back, Gibbs settled for sanding the sidewall of the dresser he was building, instead.

 

His thoughts wandered to the last three weeks, as his hands did the work on autopilot.

Tony had shown up in the middle of the night after they hadn’t seen each other for two years. Looking defeated and dead tired, but damn sexy in his uniform. Gibbs had slept peacefully for the first time in years.

And then time ran through his hands. One case after the other had kept him at the Yard and most of the days he came home to find Tony sleeping on the couch, tv still on and it looking like he had tried to stay awake.

Often, he sat down and watched Tony for a while, drowning in the relaxed features of his sleeping lover. It felt good to come home to an inhabited house. To see the lights, to know someone was waiting for him. He hadn’t known he had missed that until then.

Mostly Gibbs had kissed Tony awake at some point and was greeted with a sleepy, “Hey, love. How was work?” that made his heart skip a beat. It felt like they had been together for years and his love grew deeper and deeper just because of the little things. Things like a hand brushing over the small of his back as Tony passed by or the already prepared thermo mug on the counter after he got down from the shower, ready to head out to work. The way Tony didn’t complain about him working late, just making clear he missed him.

He was definitely doomed.

 

Gibbs’ hands still worked on there own accord.

 

Some nights, Tony screamed in his sleep, yelling orders and crying out for boys he had lost. He had held him then, waking him softly. “It’s a nightmare, hon. You’re home.”

And Tony clutched at him for a dear life, crying until the tears subsided.

Tony didn’t speak about the war and the fights, about the nightmares and tears. In the light of the day he was fine and happy, the goofy old Tony he knew from years ago but at night, in his sleep where he couldn’t control it, it made the way to the surface.

Gibbs didn’t ask. He wanted to help him, to erase the things Tony had seen but he knew it was not his turn and if Tony wanted to talk he would. At the end of the three weeks, the bad dreams were mostly gone and the war-shaped expression on his face had softened.  

And now he was back on the plane. Back in the war.

 

Gibbs threw his sanding block into a corner of the basement. Fuck!

 

After a few deep breaths, he decided to occupy his mind with work. Hopefully the Yard would provide some distraction.

 

*/*

 

“WHAT?! He was here and you didn’t tell me?” Abby yelled and was about to grab a box of disposable gloves from next to her computer to throw it towards McGee.

 

“I’m sorry but you were at the conference and… ow… Abby!” Tim whined as the box hit him on the arm. She grabbed the next thing she could reach, throwing it as well. She was enraged. After four years, Tony finally made his way back to DC again and Tim didn’t even text her. She would have jumped the next plane to see him.

 

“Abby!” Tim had pulled his arms and one of his legs up to protect himself. “Abby, I’m sorry. I was just so stunned and then we had cases coming endlessly... And I forgot… ow… please... Abs… I just saw him once.” She ran out of things to toss and crossed her arms in front of her chest, glaring at the other in best Gibbs-fashion.

 

“You met him?” Her voice was threateningly low.

 

“Uhm, yes.” Tim flinched uncomfortable, standing near the door of her lab.

 

“Tell me!” She demanded and sat down on her chair.

 

“I wanted to talk to Gibbs and out of the blue he was standing in his living room. We sat down to talk and then I left.” McGee told her hastily. “See? Nothing special happened.”

 

“Nothing special?! Tony appeared after four years in Gibbs living room and you say nothing special?!” Abby answered, furious. “What did he say? Why did he leave? What happened? Don’t tell me you didn’t ask, Tim?” Her gaze turned to the pictures on the shelf next to Major mass spec.

 

“He didn’t really explain it. Just said that he had been in trouble and couldn’t stay.”

 

“And you didn’t press on? You see, this is the reason you should have called me.” She narrowed her eyes at the man again.

 

“I’m sorry, Abs!”

 

“You better go now!” She pointed towards the door. She was so angry, she needed her lab for herself now. Tim was slowly walking out the door, slightly slumped.

 

She hurried towards Bert and squeezed him hard, hearing the calming fart.

 

As Tony had left years ago, she was smashed and worried and confused. One day he was joking and laughing with her and the next day he was gone. Her eyes watered as the memories forced their way to the surface.

 

~ Abby walked into the bullpen, fear had invaded her whole system. The short bark of Gibbs to “COME UP” wasn’t a good sign. She had met Ducky and Palmer in front of the elevator but they hadn’t had a clue either.

Tim looked uneasy and Cait just pissed. Both agents were hiding behind their screens, while the bossman was hitting his screen with mighty force, muttering under his breath. Abby was surprised to find Tony’s desk empty.

 

“Where is Tony?” She asked Cait and was rewarded with a fearful wide-eyed gaze and shake of her head.

 

“So, Jethro, we are here. What is so important?” Ducky asked before she could ask further.

 

“DiNozzo quit.” It was dead silent. The heads of Cait and Tim shot up in shock. Abby’s mouth was hanging open in disbelief and Ducky’s brows went up to his hair. Palmer gasped low. “I’m not going to discuss this and I don’t want to hear anything. Now go back to work!” Gibbs tone was hard and angry.

 

“But Gibbs,” Abby whined, “What happened? Did he tell you why?”

 

“I said I don’t want to talk about it or him. Never again.” Anger was dripping of his voice.

 

“But-”

 

“Quit it!” Anger had turned to aggression and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Work, NOW!” She turned on her heels, hurrying back to the safety of her lab.

 

Abby tried to call Tony but always went straight to voicemail. After work, she made her way to his apartment only to find it empty. Not only was Tony absent but he had also sold all his stuff and the apartment itself. He really had vanished completely without a note or text.~

 

The 16th of February 2002 was a black day in all their lives.

She kind of lost Gibbs as well. Her beloved bossman had changed as suddenly as her friend had vanished. He was angry. So angry, she had never seen him like this.

 

A shiver ran down her spine and she clutched Bert even closer as she thought back.

 

He became silent, even for Gibbs, and all his words were colored in anger or frustration. He closed up completely. Never again showed any sign of caring, kindness or affection. He didn’t bring her Caf-Pow anymore or kissed her cheek. The crooked smile had vanished and he was shouting and yelling at the team, driving them harder than ever.

She started to wonder, if something had happened between the two men.

The moment Tim called him boss was the worst, though.

 

~ The team worked on a actually quite simple case and she had just spilled all her results as Gibbs demanded to get the suspects address.

 

“On it, boss!” Tim said as he used her computer to pull up the required information.

 

In a split second the boss had grabbed his collar and pressed him against the nearby shelf. Abby gasped in surprise.

Invading McGee’s space, he growled threatening, “I never want to hear _boss_ ever again here. Tell the others!” The word ‘boss’ was spoken with such disgust that she had to gulp down a whimper. Gibbs was shaking, blind with anger, she could tell, and with a push he let go of Tim and left her lab. ~

 

But other than this there was no sign Tony had ever existed.

Over the years, Gibbs behavior eased slightly but their ‘boss’ never showed up again. At least, until the case where he had met Tony again.

As he came back there where more than a few glimpses of the old Gibbs. There were Caf-Pows and kisses again and he even smiled sometimes. The caring Gibbs was kind of back but sometimes she could sense sadness and sorrow radiating from him without any obvious reason.

Her own anger started slowly to fade as Danny gathered the team in her lab after his return from Dreamland.

 

~ “It was totally strange. First Gibbs was really pissed and then overnight he was strangely calm and settled, he even smiled. I have never seen him smiling. Kind of creepy.” Danny told them excitedly.

 

“Yeah, we noticed probie but we need to know why.” Tim stated annoyed. Abby looked expectantly at the youngest member of the team.

 

“I don’t know. The only difference I noticed was the thermo mug he always had in hand.” Dan said thoughtfully.

 

“Did Tony bribe him with coffee?” Cait asked.

 

“I can’t imagine that that would work. Considering how angry Gibbs was.” Danny answered.

 

“Actually I don’t want to know and I don’t care. Tony left us and I’m still mad at him.” Abby still felt betrayed by her former friend and was not going to give in.

 

“He said he was sorry.” The probie tried to sooth her.

 

“Oh sure…” Abby muttered.

 

“I shall tell you he misses you badly. Always had. Always will and he is sorry!” She felt her resistance slightly fading. “He hopes one day he can explain it to you and you will understand.”

 

“If he stays alive.” Cait added bitterly.

 

“Stop that!” Abby snapped, not wanting to think about the possibility that Tony could die.

 

“Gibbs knows the reason and he said to DiNozzo he understands and you would too if you knew.” Dan added.

 

“Oh, damn there is no way to get it out of Gibbs.” McGee frowned.

 

“Damn right, McGee!” Gibbs’ voice barked behind them. “Done gossiping? Then back to work!” He sat down a Caf-Pow on Abby’s desk and the others vanished.

 

“You really know, Gibbs?” She asked.

 

“Yes.” His eyes fixed on her.

 

“You’re not gonna tell me, right?”

 

“Nope!” He smiled slightly.

 

“Would I really understand it?” She inquired, knowing he won't tell what happened.

 

“I’m sure you of all people would understand but you would still be mad because he didn’t talk to you.” His gaze got soft and Abby wondered about the possible reasons.

 

“I’m hurting, Gibbs. I feel betrayed by him and at the same time I’m so scared something could happen to him. I miss him terribly.” She confessed, looking down to her shoes. Gibbs took her in his arms.

 

“I know.” He placed a kiss on her head. “Try to forgive him.” ~

 

Abby had forgiven him, almost. She looked at the different pictures on her shelf. The biggest one was Tony’s official army photo. He looked good in the blue uniform and with the white hat. She smiled as she remembered how it had gotten there.

 

~ She felt exhausted. The day had been long and full of work. Her mind was spinning and she longed for some distraction. This was the time she missed Tony the most. He always had sensed it when she felt like this and showed up to tell her the newest gossip or just a silly story of his own.

She sighed and wished, she could talk to him now. Suddenly a thought crossed her mind and she started typing on her keyboard. Soon, she had found Tony’s photo in his file. Abby enlarged it to fill her whole screen. With another deep breath, she leaned back in her chair and looked at him.  

 

“I miss you, you know? I hope you are fine and alive somewhere out there. Nothing has changed here. Still the old madness.”

 

She started to do this every now and then. Every time she felt bad or down, she pulled his image up on her screen and talked to him.

One day she was just about to close the picture as Gibbs walked in.

 

“Was that Tony on the screen?” He growled.

 

“Uhm...no.” She felt shame raising within her.

 

“Abs!” Gibbs tone was warning.

 

“Okay fine. It was.” She crossed her arms and tried to cover the shame with an angry expression.

 

“Can you print it?” She was stunned as Gibbs eyed her.

 

“Sure… but-”

 

“Do it. Twice.” He ordered putting down her favorite drink.

 

“But-”

 

“Just do it, Abby.” He growled, as he was already on the way out of the lab.

 

The next day one of the printed pictures was standing on her shelf next to Major mass spec in a nice brown frame. She took it down and stored it away in one of her drawers. Not wanting to see him all the time. She was still kind of angry and hurt and even if she talked to him sometimes, she didn’t want to be reminded of him all the time.

Gibbs walked in about ten minutes later and headed straight towards the drawer with the image. He pulled it out and placed it where it had been before. Wordlessly he gazed at her, dropped a kiss on her cheek and left again. Abby was confused and frustrated.

 

There was no chance to get rid of the picture. Every time she took it down, Gibbs walked in sooner or later and placed it back up.

 

“You need him.” He whispered one day and Abby knew he was right.

 

She gave in. As the time passed, she started to place more and more photos on the shelf. Images of the old and new team, of her friends in private situations or somewhere in the Yard. She couldn’t even resist to search for Tony on the base or with his unit and was more than pleased to find some photos of him on the ‘stars and stripes’-page.

She always printed them twice and dropped one copy on Gibbs desk. She didn’t know what he was doing with them but thought it couldn’t hurt.~

 

Her smile widened at the thought what happened to Gibbs’ copies. She loved the sight of the mantel. It made a good start for an actual home.

 

Abby jumped as she was pulled out of her thoughts by Gibbs asking, “You okay?”.

He was standing in the door, head tilted slightly to the side. She shook her head to get rid of the memories.

 

“Tony was here?” She asked sadly.

 

“He was.” Gibbs nodded and Abby could feel the sadness radiating from him once more.

 

“I missed him just because of this stupid conference!” She felt tears welling up.

 

“He’ll come back.” Gibbs stated, eyeing her closely.

 

“How can you be so sure?”

 

“He promised.” Gibbs hand grabbed his Marine pendant and a small smile tugged on his lips.


	2. Lonely

‘I’m on the base. Have to head straight for the briefing. Call you later?’

 

‘Sure, hon.’ 

 

Tony smiled about the text. He wished he could just call Gibbs and hear his voice but there was no time left. 

 

*/*

 

He sat in the big room, full of Generals, Colonels and other mightily important people. He hated the briefings. They always made him restless and uneasy and today it was even harder to follow the strategic moves, they had planned. 

He was still worn out by the flight and his head kept wandering back to Gibbs. He tried to focus on the big screen in front of him as a General described the details of his op. He had the honor to lead a unit with a special assignment within the normal deployment. Tony scribbled down the information and orders. 

As the General finished, he leaned back rubbing his face. This wasn’t an easy op, sometimes he wondered if one of the brains planning the missions had ever even been deployed. But at least he had Liam at his side as his SIC. Sergeant Major William Jeffrey is his first choice for this job.

Richards sat next to him, glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes. Tony knew that surely there was something else to come, probably as soon as they were out of the briefing. He groaned inwardly. This really was a great day.

 

“Time for a coffee, Troops.” Ben stated not even bothering to ask him, immediately after the meeting. 

 

“Sure.” Tony answered in resignation as they got out of the command center. To his surprise they drove towards their housing area. He had assumed they would stop at the coffee bar but supposedly Ben had something else in mind. 

 

He loved the way Margaret had designed the garden, he thought as they arrived in front of the house. The flowers were colorful and made a nice contrast to the rich green of the leafs and the white paint of the cosy two-story house. His own garden looked rather gray because no one took care of it when he was overseas. He had some offers from friends but always turned them down, thinking it wasn’t worth it.

His Commander was leading him into his home. He heard Margaret working in the kitchen as they walked through the hall. Richards dropped a kiss to his wife’s lips as she greeted them. 

 

“Hey honey, did the briefing go well?” Tony grabbed the challenge coin in his pocket as he witnessed the scene. Hearing her say ‘honey’ let his heart drop and he longed for the loneliness of his house, for a lack of Gibbs’ arms.

 

“Quite well, Mags. Troops has the lead of a special op.” 

 

“Oh, that’s great!” She smiled with a mixture of happiness and concern. Margaret had kind of adopted him as soon as he had met her. She was a wonderful woman. Very attentive and caring. She always sensed his mood and usually reacted in the perfect way. 

 

“Hi Mags. Hope everything is well. How are the kids?” Tony placed a kiss on her cheek.

 

“Oh, fine, fine.” She waved her hand, smiling. “But what about you? Where have you been? You didn’t even drop by after you came back. I haven’t seen you for month now!” Her tune was reproachful and she narrowed her eyes a bit as she placed her hands on her hips. 

 

“Well… I… um… I visited some old friends. Sorry.” He rubbed his neck ashamed and smiled slightly at her. 

 

“Mags I want to talk to Tony for a moment. We’ll go in the garden. Would you be so kind and take care of the coffee?” Ben looked strangely at him and the 1st Lt. wondered about the use of his name. He hadn’t heard it from Richards for ages. 

 

“Sure, honey.” She replied and added in a low voice, as Tony followed his Commander into the garden, “What have you done, boy?”. 

 

He turned to her while walking on and shrugged his shoulders. He really didn’t know but he was sure it must be something bigger. 

 

The Major pulled out a chair for his SIC to sit and seated himself on the opposite side of the table. He looked straight into Tony’s eyes.

 

“What’s wrong?” Tony asked, determined to get it over and done with and then go home to finally call Gibbs.

 

“I was notified that you have changed your emergency contact.” He stated displeased.

 

“Um, yes.” He wasn’t sure what the point was. 

 

“Is this Gibbs,  _ the  _ Gibbs?” Ben’s face was hard. He leaned forward resting his interlaced hands on the table.

 

“Yes.” Tony narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

 

“You know, Troops, I love you like my own son and I’m worried.” Ben stopped talking and eyed him closely. “Are you sure this guy is worth to be your friend? I mean I met him and he was an unbelievable asshole.” Tony sighed and sunk deeper in his chair. He wanted to tell him to mind his own business, he wanted to tell him the truth, he wanted to just leave and head home but none of this was an option. Ben wouldn’t let it go and he was just way too tired to fight. 

 

“Yes he is. Don’t worry.” Margaret came down the steps of the veranda two mugs with steaming coffee in her hand. “Dinner is ready in 20, boys.” She placed the brew on the table and left without waiting for an answer, winking at Tony. 

He took the mug gratefully and sighed at the first sip. This was what he needed now and thank god, Mags had it prepared perfectly. He had gotten used to the strong black stuff, even needed it overseas but at home it had to be sweet and creamy. 

 

Ben was still scrutinizing him. “Ben I assure you, Gibbs is worth it and all our unfinished business is sorted now.” He was quite annoyed now and let it show. 

 

“What is it? I mean he even punched you. His whole behavior...demanding, rude, glaring at everyone… I really don’t like him.” 

 

Tony was smiling slightly. This was the perfect description of Gibbs if one didn’t know him closer. “I know he is a bastard. But if you get to know him better he also, of course in his own grumpy way, is caring and supportive. He would give his life for yours without a thought. He is dedicated and always pushes you to become the best version of yourself.” Tony lost himself in memories of the time they had worked together, times where Gibbs always had pushed him to the edge to make him better. Times where he had taught him how to read and lead people. Gibbs was the reason that he was doing a good job as SIC and leader. 

 

“I guess there is more than you told me?” Richards asked leaning back in his chair, sipping his coffee.

 

Tony nearly choked on his mouth full of the brew as he heard the question. Oh shit. His hand clamped around his coin, again.

 

“What do you mean?” He inquired coughing, trying to calm his speeding heart down. 

 

“Not even you are this good. You must have known him way better than just meeting him once, to give this description of his character.” His Commander narrowed his eyes again. 

 

“Well…” Tony hesitated. “I really met him like I told you but maybe I not mentioned that we worked together.” He didn’t meet the other’s eyes as his heartbeat slowly became normal again. The grip around the coin in his pocket eased. 

 

“Mhhh, I guessed so. The ‘boss’ thing. You were a Navy cop?” 

 

“Yup.” He watched the bubbles on his coffee move around on the surface.

 

“How long?” 

 

“A year and a bit.” Tony still avoided the Major’s eyes.

 

“Tell me what happened between you.”

 

“Ben, with all due respect, this is really not your business.” The 1st. Lt. looked up to make his point.

 

Richards looked surprised and a bit disappointed. “Troops…”

 

“No! Look I’m tired. I’ll go now. It was a long day.” He got up and walked towards the garden gate.    
He really was tired and now annoyed. He just wanted to call Gibbs, vent about his day and then sleep. 

 

“Oh come on, Troops. You don’t have to go. I’m just worried. I see you changing since his visit. I just want to make sure you are okay. Stay at least for dinner.” 

 

Tony stopped and let his shoulders drop. “Thanks for your concern Ben but all is fine.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “He is and was very important for me. He made me the man I am now. He is my oldest friend and was my mentor. So please accept that he will be part of my life.” The Major was eyeing  him intensively. Tony could see him thinking. He shifted uncomfortably, fearing he had revealed to much. 

 

“Fine. But please promise me you will talk to me if you need to.” Ben sighed at last.

Tony nodded in relief and turned to go. 

 

“Hey, what about dinner?” Richards called after him but he just wanted to go home.

 

“Tell Mags I’m sorry but I’ll head straight to bed now.” He waved and left his Commander and friend behind.

 

*/*

 

Tony closed his door and leaned against it, while he dropped his bag on the floor. What a day. The goodbye, the flight, the briefing and then Ben. He sighed. His life had been way easier when he hadn't been in a relationship with Gibbs. But on the other hand this was all he ever wanted. If it just wouldn’t wear him out like this. He missed Gibbs, longed for him and wished he could just come home after such a day and throw himself into Gibbs’ arms. 

Tony pushed away from the door and glanced at his watch. It was 9 pm by now, that meant it had to be midnight in DC. He flicked his phone open and started to type.

 

‘Still awake, love?’

 

His house was dark and empty. The furniture was functional and it couldn't compete with Gibbs home. No personal touch except for his piano, the only thing he had kept as he had left DC.

But he hadn’t seen a reason to make himself cosy, he was more overseas then home and no one was waiting here. No one needed this house cosy. 

He sat down on his piano, playing an improvised melody and hoped for an answer. 

Tony knew the emotional rollercoaster would get better, especially when he was on the mission and his head would be occupied. He went through the same after Gibbs had left Dreamland. But now and here, without a proper distraction he felt so displaced and lonely. Thanks to the stupid DADT he couldn’t even talk to his friends or ask for some advice. It was all so stupid and pointless. Why the hell should he be ashamed of being in love just because it was a man. It is okay as long as you keep it as a secret. Don’t show it, don’t talk about it, don’t let us know. His sadness shifted to frustration and he slammed his fists on the keys of the piano, causing it to make an unpleasant sound. 

9.24 pm. He opened his phone again dialing the number. He couldn’t wait any longer he needed to hear Jethro’s voice. 

 

“Yeah, Gibbs.” Came a sleepy answer and his heart leaped at the sound.

 

“Hey, love. Did I wake you?”

 

“No, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” Gibbs’ words were suddenly spoken, like he was wide awake and Tony smiled.

 

“Is good to hear you.”

 

“Same. How was your day?”

 

“Exhausting. Briefing went on for hours and then Ben had an urgent need to interrogate me.” 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just miss you badly.”

 

“I miss you, too. What did this moron want from you?” Tony had to giggle. Those two really were perfect examples for alpha males. 

 

“He just wanted to know why I changed my emergency contact and if I’m fine.” 

 

“You changed it?” Gibbs sounded surprised. 

 

“Of course. I thought you should know if something happens.” Tony rubbed the back of his neck, feeling uneasy about the thought. Gibbs grunted and then silence spread.

 

Tony felt the the exhausting day taking its toll on him. He longed for his lover, for the calming caresses and kisses and for the strength Gibbs was radiating

 

“I wish you were here. This all sucks!” Tony sighed. 

 

“Yeah. It does.”

 

Tony walked towards the stairs listening to Gibbs breathing. 

 

“Abby is upset because she missed you. She really wants to see you. I told her you will come back. That you promised.” Tony heard concern in Gibbs voice.

 

“I will. Tell her, I save a whole weekend only for her, if she wants.”

 

Tony walked up the stairs as Gibbs let out a deep breath. 

 

“Talk to me.” Tony demanded softly. 

 

“I… arr … It’s nothing.” Gibbs sighed.

 

Tony went into his bedroom and let himself drop on the bed, while he listened to the silence on the phone.

 

“Doesn't sound like nothing.” He replied as he rigidly started to undress. His mind went wild. Was Gibbs already fed up and wanted to break up? Wasn’t he going to wait? 

 

“It’s just… I… I’m not good at this…” Gibbs sounded strangely vulnerable. 

 

“At what?” Tony asked as he dropped his pants. He was standing in the dark room, only boxers left. His heart was beating fast in his chest, as he was again greeted with silence. He prayed that his lover wasn’t about to break up. 

 

“Being a Marine’s wife.” Gibbs answered after another deep breath. Tony throat tightened. 

 

“I thought you would never be my wife.” He returned, not knowing what else to say. Gibbs chuckled slightly and then became mute, once more.

 

Tony gathered all his strength. “Listen if you don’t want this, I can-”

 

“I’m  _ scared _ , hon. I can’t stop thinking about what could happen to you. I want you here.  Want to be and make sure you are safe. I’m… I don’t want to lose you.” Tony dropped to his bed, again. Tears welled up in his eyes as the pressure within him dropped. This day really took it’s toll on him. 

 

With a big gulp, he forced the tears back and answered, “I would love to be with you. I would love to throw myself in your arms and just forget all this here. Have a normal life with you by my side but I’m a soldier. I’m a Marine. You know once a Marine, always a Marine. As much as I don’t like it right now, it is my duty.” Tony’s voice was shaking.

 

“I know.” Gibbs drew in a deep breath. 

 

Tony let himself fall to the side and curled into a ball. His gaze wandered through the dark room. He saw his empty walls and the simple furnishings. A dresser in one corner and a shelf in another. It felt so wrong and empty, today. 

In the last years he hadn’t spent a single thought about his home. It had been functional and that was all he needed. 

He had been functional. He had been the perfect soldier. A man in his best age, no family, no partner. Nothing to lose. 

And he had fought exactly like this but now someone was waiting for him. He had promised to come back, although he knew that he couldn’t guarantee it. He had never feared death before but now there was this nagging fear underneath his consciousness.

 

“I’m worried and miss you badly. This house is so big and empty without you.” Gibbs voice pulled him back. 

 

“Same here, love.” Tony was tired, dead tired. 

 

“I want you to understand that I’ll wait for as long as I have to. Never ever think I leave just because you are not here or it is hard for me. Semper fi means ‘always faithful’ and this counts not only for the Corps but also for us. It means ‘I love you and I’ll be here when you come home’. Never forget that.” Gibbs words sounded like a loving order. The glimpses of the ‘boss’-Gibbs made Tony smile. 

 

“Yes, boss.” He heard Gibbs chuckle. 

 

“It was a long day for you, you should go to bed, hon.”

 

“Yeah, probably.” Tony knew Gibbs was right but didn’t want to lose the soothing voice and words in his ear.

 

“Semper fi, hon.”

 

“I love you, too, love.” Tony heard the click in the line and knew Gibbs had hung up. He still felt sad and lonely and longed for his lover’s embrace. He closed his eyes hoping for, at least, a bit sleep.

 

*/*

 

Margaret was watching her husband over the breakfast table. She was still curious about the talk between him and Troops yesterday. Ben hadn’t told her what had happened and that Troops had left without eating dinner with them was so unusual that she had to ask. The kids had already left the table and she was determined to use the few adult moments to learn more. 

 

“Honey?”

 

“Mhhh…” Ben was reading the paper, not looking up. 

 

“Is something up with Troops?” Ben raised his eyes a bit, staring into the space, a thoughtful expression on his face. 

 

“Actually, I don’t know.” He said, concern was mixed in his voice. “He has changed, since the visit of the NCIS agents in Falludscha. Do you remember, I told you we had a murderer in camp.”

 

“Yes. And do you think he is in trouble? Something with the NCIS?” Margaret inquired, as the brown eyes of her husband found hers. 

 

“No. Nothing with the NCIS but maybe with one of the agents. He was a real big ass. All bossy and demanding. No manners. He tried to intimidate everyone in his view.” Ben rubbed his chin. A typical gesture of him when he was thinking about a difficulty task or situation. 

 

“Do you think this agent is bullying Troops?” She guessed as she sipped her tea.

 

“No. It is strange. On the first meeting this guy punched him and Troops said he deserved it. Then, while they solved the case, the dynamic between them changed somehow and Troops even wanted badly to drive them to the airport.” Ben stared into the space again, obviously thinking about the long gone time. “As he came back he was kind of... distaned, maybe and definitely frustrated. I could see it even though he tried his best to hide it. I thought this guy might had done something or so. But you know Troops there is no way to get such a thing out of him, if he doesn’t want to talk. He was still our Troops but something had changed. A, I don’t know, sadness or something, mixed into his appearance and behavior.” Ben looked at her and she just nodded. “And now, I got informed that he had changed his emergency contact, now this awful guy gets notified. And he jumped right on the plane to DC after returning home. Troops didn’t even stop at the base, he didn't tell me, just hopped on the next plane, without a word. He has never visited ‘old friends’ in all these years. This is all so odd.” Ben looked worried and she knew she had to talk to Troops. Usually, her husband had a good sense for problems but a bad  way of handling them and the way Troops had left the day before proved that perfectly. 

 

“And you asked him yesterday?” She asked to verify her presumption. 

 

“Yes. He told me that he had worked for the NCIS and this guy was his boss. It sounded as if he admired that asshole. Can you believe it? He even said this moron was the reason Troops is the way he is. He said this Gibbs is worth it.” Margarete guessed ‘Gibbs’ was the name of the NCIS agent, her husband was so furious about. She leaned back with her mug in hand and thought about the whole situation. Troops was behaving odd, this for sure but why should be an old friend cause all this. There was more, there must be more than just an encounter with a former boss. 

Margaret got to her feet, placing the mug back on the table. She walked to the sideboard and grabbed her phone. 

 

‘Care to join me for lunch today?’ She typed.

 

‘I’m not really in the mood to be honest. I’m still quite tired and would prefer to stay home.’ The answer came within a few moments. 

 

‘C’mon, Troops. I’ll can come to your place. I haven’t seen you in ages and as I know you, you haven’t got any food at home.”

 

The answer took longer this time and Margaret could picture Troops debating with himself because he wasn’t into that but couldn’t say no either. She smiled at that thought. 

 

‘Fine. 1300?’ 

 

‘I’ll be there. xo’

 

She turned back to her husband, who was still staring into space, deeply in thoughts.

 

“I’ll eat lunch with Troops later.” She informed Ben. 

 

“Uh? Ah… fine.” He returned his gaze back to the newspaper but it didn’t look like he was reading at all.

 

*/*

 

Margaret arrived at Troops’ house. She had prepared a nice healthy lunch for both of them and was happy about the opportunity to spent some time with him. Troops was kind of her son and she loved him as much as her own kids. But lately she noticed that even though they knew each other for years and spent a lot of time together, she didn’t know much about his past. About his former life, his family and friends outside the Corps. That he had worked at the NCIS had surprised her and now she was determined to learn more about her step-son. 

 

She knocked on the door and then walked in. Troops never locked his door. It was a habit she didn’t like but he always answered ‘There is nothing here, worth stealing and I prefer a thief rather walking in and taking what he wants then a broken door or window’. Troops was sitting at his piano playing a lovely tune. She always enjoyed him playing but today the tune was kind of melancholic. 

 

“Hey boy, I brought us lunch.” She greeted him, walking into the living room.

 

“Hi, Mags!” He got up and came towards her with a big smile. She was shocked. His face was pale and he had big black bags under his eyes. He looked like crap and not even his smile could hide it. 

 

“Troops, are you okay?” She let him hug her. “You look awful.” 

 

“Yes, I’m fine. I just had trouble sleeping. Don’t worry.” He answered and took the box with the foot out of her hand. She eyed him closely, normally there would be a fake-hurt kind of answer. 

 

“Are you coming down with something, honey?” She was about to feel his forehead as he stopped her. 

 

“No! And  _ please  _ don’t call me honey.” His eyes narrowed and the words were spoken rather rough, making her stop immediately. He turned and walked into the kitchen. Margaret felt like someone had just hit her. She let herself drop to the couch replaying his unexpected reaction. Now it was really obvious something was wrong with him. He had never minded her calling him ‘honey’. She heard Troops working in the kitchen. The rattling of plates and cutlery. A few moments later he appeared in the living room again. 

 

The big smile solid on his face like nothing had happened, he asked, “Do you want to eat here or do you prefer the kitchen table?”

 

“Wherever you like.” She returned, still feeling hurt. 

 

“Then, let us get comfy on the couch.” He smiled and his gaze softened a bit, as he vanished back into the kitchen.

A few moments later he reappeared with two plates of their lunch in hand. 

 

“Something to drink?” He asked as he placed the food on the couch table. 

 

“No, thanks.” Margaret watched him walking away again. She needed to know what was going on. She understood now what Ben had meant regarding the sadness. Her husband was right. Troops radiated some kind of sadness or regret or something similar and it left her with an urgent need to hug him, to tell him everything would be fine, even though she didn’t know the exact reason. 

 

“Thanks for the meal.” Troops settled next to her with a beer and handed Margret her plate. She started to eat, while she thought about a way to approach her boy. 

After a while, she noticed that he wasn’t eating but just moving the food around on his plate. 

 

“Not hungry?” She asked with a soft voice, as she placed a hand on Troops’. 

 

“No, not really.” He sighed, still staring at the food.

 

“You know you can talk to me about everything.” She stroke her thumb over the back of his hand. Troops looked up at her, his gaze full of despair. It made her shiver and she placed her plate back on the table, then took his away and pulled him to her. She hugged him close and felt his hands come around her waist. She was sure he suffered but couldn’t figure out what caused it. Troops rested his head on her shoulder and draw in a deep breath.

 

“How do you manage it?” He asked, his voice low.

 

“Manage what?” Margaret caressed his back.

 

“Being apart from Ben. Always missing him, always being scared you won’t see him again?” The sudden insight hit her with force. He was in love. That explained at least a few things. 

 

“Is this why you are so sad, sweetie? Did you meet someone?” She only got a nod to confirm her guess.

 

“Oh, my dear boy. You shouldn't be sad. Be happy. This is wonderful. I can understand that you miss her but it will get better. The feeling will subside and you will be even happier when you see her again.” She smiled to herself. It was always hard when Ben was about to leave but the reunion afterwards was worth waiting every single minute. 

 

“But we hadn’t have enough time. What if…” He trailed of. 

 

“If she loves you she will wait.” Margaret still drew soothing circles on his back. “And if she doesn't wait, she wouldn’t be worth a single tear!” 

 

“I know but this is all I ever wanted and now I’m here miles away and about to go back to war. I promised to come home again but what if I can’t keep it. I have dreamed of this relationship so many years and it would be killing for me if it doesn't work out.” He buried his head in the crook of her neck. 

 

“Do you mind telling me the story?” Margaret asked knowing full well talking about such things was freeing and mostly one felt way better afterwards. Troops sighed deeply.

 

“We worked together years ago but it wasn’t meant to be. Many different reasons made it impossible. I lost myself in the longing and wishing and couldn’t go on. I tried to find someone else but it didn’t work. I had many different encounters during that time, always hoping someone would let me forget what I couldn’t have. I was thinking about quitting and moving on, moving away.” Troops was straightening himself and leaned back on the couch, gazing in the distance. A small bitter smile appeared on his face. 

 

“I prepared everything but wasn’t sure if I could go through with it but then I saw the happy little couple, enjoying a wonderful Valentine's day dinner in our favorite restaurant. Sure, we always had been there as colleagues or maybe friends but… It just smashed the rest of resistance I had left and it took all my strength to not walk in and tell them what I thought about this and them. I didn't have the right to be mad but I was and I was hurt. Two days later I left without a word. I left all my friend and my former life behind.” Margaret listened patiently, seeing hurt, regret, sadness, affection and sorrow crossing his face in alternation. 

 

“On an impulse I joined the Marines and became a soldier. Thinking back, it wasn’t the best idea I had. So many things reminded me of the things I wanted to leave behind and I should have known.” He shook his head in a disbelieving manner. 

 

“I think I chose the Corps because it all reminded me. But time passed and it eased. I could go on, not in finding any other love but I could be myself again. Could ban it deep down inside me and feel like Tony again.” He stopped. His gaze became soft and Margaret took his hand in hers.

 

“The Tony we love! And then?” Troops looked at her not lifting his head of the back rest. 

 

“I met Gibbs, again. All the emotions I had stored away made their way up to the surface and I knew I couldn’t run any more. I had to try, at least. But first of all I had to get Gibbs’ to forgive me. I was quite surprised he was so angry at me. I didn’t think my leaving would cause these emotions within him. But we got sorted after a rough start.” Margaret was bewildered, not knowing what this Gibbs had to do with all this.

 

“What had he to do with it?” She asked as Troops rubbed his jaw, thoughtfully.

 

“He was my boss before I enlisted.” Margaret looked at him in lack of understanding but Troops just went on. “I had to wait another two years before I saw my love again. That’s the reason I didn’t stop by after coming home. I just wanted to see what might be possible as fast as I could. We spent the three week together but because of work there wasn’t much time to get to know each other in a ‘couple’- way. But the glimpses of what our live could be together was worth staying.” Margaret saw the love on his face as he remembered the weeks and was sure her boy was deeply in love with... whoever. She noticed that he never once mentioned her name and didn’t give any details about her. Margaret knew nothing about her.

 

“Tell me about her. What is she like?” 

 

“A wonderful person. Caring, loving, strong, beautiful blue eyes. I love the eyes! Always there to support me, sometimes a bit stubborn, grumpy and with a lack of talking but I even love this. Knows exactly when I need backup or a head-slap. I’m just madly in love with everything.” 

 

“Oh, I can see that! What’s her name?” She smiled at him but was greeted with a painful expression on Troops face. He looked like he was considering something but then shook his head. 

 

“Jay.” He let his eyes flicker to hers for a second and then looked away again. She had the feeling Troops wasn’t honest to her but didn’t want to press on. She would find out soon enough.

 

“I’m still confused about the part Gibbs is playing in this.”

 

“He was the one, who showed me that there might be a chance... with Jay. That I should risk it. He knows me best and made me confess my feelings. His visit was the reason I’m now more or less happy in love.” Margaret could see the same loving expression on his face, like he had while talking about Jay. Troops really must have a soft spot for him. But she was convinced Ben and herself didn’t need to worry about that or about anything else belonging Gibbs. Even if Ben was sure this guy was an ass, he couldn’t tread Troops bad, considering the way her boy was talking about him. 

 

She leaned back and pulled Troops in her arms again. He settled in her embrace and breathed deeply. 

 

“Feel better now?” She asked, noticing him relax more and more.

 

“Yes. Thanks, Mags!” 

 

“Don’t hesitate to come talking if you need it. Ben and I know how you feel and how hard a long distance relationship is. We are always there for you.” 

 

*/*

 

Troops looked at his SIC. Sergeant Major William Jeffrey was a calm and enjoyable companion. He had grown close to him over the years of deployment and Troops even was the godfather of little Noah.

He wasn’t all happy to have him in his operation. He was a great and reliable SIC and he wouldn’t like anyone other than him by his side in a battle but after the dead of Liam’s wife a year ago he always feared the death of his SIC.

He looked at the little boy crawling on a blanket near by. 

 

“Are you sure you want to do this mission? Think about Noah.” Troops eyed him worried.

 

“Troops, if I don’t do the op I have to leave the Corps. Orders are orders. And now it’s too late anyway.” Liam smiled sadly at him and then down on his son.

 

“But isn’t Noah worth it?” Troops asked still worried about his friend.

 

“He definitely is but the Corps is all I know. I joined with 17. I don't know what to do else than being a Marine.” Liam’s voice was thoughtful. 

 

Troops thought about his old Marine and smiled. “Maybe I have a solution for that problem. I know someone who had the same problem and found a new home at the NCIS. Let me talk with him and see what I can do.” 

 

“You mean working for the NCIS?” Liam sounded sceptical.

 

“Yeah, you will love it. But first we have to get this op done.” He showed his bright smile and both buried their heads back in the maps and strategy papers. 


	3. Lies

McGee was sitting at his desk at the Yard, flicking through a file as Gibbs approached him. Looking up at him Tim saw a piece of paper in his hand. Gibbs gaze was fixed on it.

 

“Um, Gibbs?” McGee tried to get the other man’s attention.

 

“Do you know something called Skype? It has to do with computers.” Tim had to chuckle about this question and answered, “Yes. It is a program to talk to someone via video call.”

 

“Explain it to me.” The word were spoken as an order but he know it was Gibbs’ way to ask.

 

“Sure. You need a computer with headset and cam, first. It won’t work on yours.” He nodded towards the pc on Gibbs’ desk.

 

“No, I want a laptop anyway.” McGee was surprised. Gibbs and a laptop. That was new. 

 

“You can get one from IT. Let me know which case and I fill out the request.” He started to pull up the different forms, required for getting technical devices, on his screen. 

 

“No Case.” Tim’s head shot up, even more surprised. Gibbs and laptop and not work related. That was totally new and highly suspicious. He eyed the man in front of him. His eyes stopped at the note trying to figure out, whose handwriting could it be. But the short word ‘Gibbs’ didn’t give him enough details. It was written a bit sloppy but without frills. He mused it was from a man but that was all he could get out of it. His thoughts wandered to the possible suspects and suddenly only one name popped out.

 

“How is Tony?” He asked as nonchalantly as he could.

 

“Fine, I think.” Gibbs narrowed his eyes on him and Tim could read two things out of this gaze. First: The note  _ was _ from Tony and second: If he didn’t want to die right away he shouldn’t go on. 

 

“Did you hear something from him since he left again?” He was totally dead but a small voice in his head urged him on.

 

“Get me a laptop, I can use Skype on!” Gibbs growled. 

 

“How should I-” A death glare let him stop. “I’m buying one! On it, Gibbs.” 

 

Tim grabbed his gear and was on his way to the elevator as he noticed his boss was following him. That would be a hell of a task. He sighed inwardly. 

  
  


To Tim’s surprise, the purchase wasn’t bad at all. He had chosen a quite simple one with all necessary requirements and Gibbs had paid for it without any questions or hesitations. The shown trust made him proud and surly lightened his mood for the rest of the day. So he thought at least. 

 

It was proven wrong as Tim was trying to explain how the laptop and the program worked. It was nearly impossible to get the information in this old and stubborn head. He silently cursed Tony for this. Why him? 

 

“You just have to click this button here, wait for the program to start and type in your name and password.” He explained again.

 

“But. There. Is. Nothing. I. Can. Type. My. Name. In.” Gibbs growled through gritted teeth. 

 

“Because the program has to load first. It takes it’s time.” They both were already on the edge and he still had to explain how to add and call someone, how to adjust the settings and all the other functions Skype had. 

 

“Now, you see, it is asking for your name and password.” 

 

Wordlessly Gibbs typed in the previous chosen name and password. 

 

“And?” Tim asked urging his boss on. “What do you do now?” 

 

The other man looked at the device like he wanted to threaten it. He slowly moved the cursor to the ‘sign in’-button and hit it. Tim sighed in relief just to frown a second later as he saw the notification that either username or password was incorrect. 

 

“What’s that now?” Gibbs yelled and hit the side of the screen. 

 

“You have misspelled your password.” Tim felt exhausted and leaned back in the chair. “Try it again.”

 

Gibbs muttered under his breath and started to type again. McGee watched his boss using one finger to press one key after the other and couldn’t suppress a small grin. 

 

“Tell Tony, I hate him.” He only noticed, saying the sentences out loud as it was too late. Gibbs’ head shot up and his blue eyes fixed on him. In record time his brain put different scenarios together. Starting by ignoring the situation and focus back on the laptop, ending by just boldly asking what had changed between them that Tony ended up in his living room half-naked only in Gibbs sweatpants and every other scenario in between. 

 

“I will if you finally will explain me how to use this fucking program, McGee!” Gibbs focused back on the screen and Tim was glad he didn't have to decide how to go on.

 

It took another 40 minutes to get to the point where Gibbs was able to at least use the basic functions of Skype and Tim decided it would be enough for Gibbs’ purpose. 

 

“Would you tell me Tony’s username if you get it? I would love to talk to him now and then.” He asked as Gibbs was about to store the laptop away. His gaze was searching but he nodded.

 

*/*

 

As always those days, Gibbs walked directly into his basement. Normally he just wanted to escape the silence upstairs but today the loneliness had hit him pretty hard again. It had been a week since the last contact with Tony. He didn’t even know if he was still in the country. The last text just said ‘I’m quite busy getting the new men in shape. Not much time to talk. Call ya ASAP. Semper fi.’

In the last days he had went through all kinds of emotions. Longing morphed into frustration, into anger, even aggression, back to loning and now he was just sad and lonely. He longed to call, to just hear Tony’s voice but he didn’t want to press either. 

Gibbs let himself sag on his sawhorse. His fingers moved to the stack of letters next to him of their own accord. He opened the ribbon and took one in hand. His digits slowly followed the written word on the envelope. ‘Love’. Gibbs shook his head. How could a single person turn his world upside down like this. He felt stupid and overly emotional, nothing he would have ever expected or accepted to be. He opened the letter carefully to not rip the paper.

 

‘My dear love,

I’m sitting here on your couch, waiting for you to come home. 

Days went by so fast and I’m already fearing the time I’m not by your side. I’m sure wherever I’ll be right now, I will think of you and miss you at least as badly as I do right now. Supposedly you haven’t heard from me in a while or it is a time you can’t or don’t want to call me. So let me tell you I’ll always be with you, what ever reason you have to open this letter it will get better and you will manage everything ahead of you. 

I’m sure I will be home soon to be by your side and support you.

 

But Jethro there is one letter, the one with your name on it. Please, only open this letter in case I’m not coming back. 

I can practically see you rolling your eyes. I know I have promised you no flag but we both know, this is not my decision. I will do all I can to come back home to you but just in case…

 

Keep in mind that I miss you and will be back soon. 

 

I love you!

Tony’

 

Gibbs groaned and let the other letters flick through his fingers. On each was written ‘love’ except for one. The one was labeled with ‘Leroy Jethro Gibbs’. He pulled it out of the stack and let it vanished in a nearby drawer. Tony’s first words let him feel better he even had to smile about the cheesiness but the last part just let him shiver. The fear and anger about the danger Tony could be in, made their way to the surface with uncontrollable energy and he jumped to his feet, the letter crumbled in his hand. He hit the wood in front of him with mighty force, feeling his knuckles shift painfully and his skin cracked open. 

He panted hard as his racing mind slowly settled again. This whole emotion stuff was still nothing he did well, he concluded. His inner struggle came to a bearable level and he watched the blood seeping out of the cut in his hand.  

 

*/*

 

Gibbs had settled in the dark on his couch with a bourbon in hand and glared at his phone, willing it to buzz. Nothing. He pulled the laptop into his lap and started it. The picture of him and Tony at the bar, talking and smiling at each other got visible after the loading process. He had chosen it for his wallpaper after McGee had explained him how to change it. Abby had given him a memory stick with ‘a lot of useful stuff’, as she had put it, for his new device. In one folder she had stored all the pictures from his mantle and even a lot more. There was also a folder with music and one with videos. He didn’t look at all the other folders on the stick. This technical stuff wasn’t his world and he was glad he had manage it as far as to change the wallpaper and use Skype. 

He opened the program like McGee had shown him and logged in. He had sent Tony a text with his username and hoped that he would do the ‘add’-thing. He scrolled through the few names on his list. There were Abby, Cait, Tim, Tobias but no Tony. He sighed in frustration. Gibbs flicked open his phone and started to type.

 

‘I’m online. Want to talk. Semper fi.’ 

 

They had agreed to stick to unsuspicious messages, just in case someone would find one of the phones or a nosy person decided to snoop around.

 

The device in his lap made a sound and Gibbs nearly spilled his bourbon. Hastily he was looking for the reason. His heart sank as he saw a message from Abby. 

 

‘Hey, Gibbs! :)’

 

‘Hi Abs.’

 

‘Still awake?’

 

‘Otherwise I couldn’t write this.’

 

‘Right.’

 

The conversation ended as abruptly as it had started and Gibbs wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to add the kids. But McGee had done it to show him how to do it.

Suddenly another sound came from the laptop. A window popped open and he was asked if he want to accept a contact request. 

 

‘Abby?’

 

‘Yes. :)’

 

‘This thing is asking me if I want to accept a contact request.’

 

‘Ooookay…’

 

‘What am I supposed to do?’

 

‘Do you want to accept or not?’

 

‘Think so.’

 

‘Then just click ‘accept’.’

 

Gibbs snorted, that was just ridiculous. If it wouldn’t be for Tony he would have thrown the thing into the next corner. He clicked the button and a ‘1.Lt.A.DN’ was added to his contact list. His heart jumped as the laptop pinged again.

 

‘Hi love’

 

‘Hi.’

 

‘Video call? Need to see you!’

 

‘Sure!’

 

A second later the device played an unpleasant melody and he knew Tony called. He clicked on the button to accept like he had on the many exercises with McGee and Abby and a window with an exhausted Tony opened. He smiled. 

 

“Hi, hon.”

 

“It is sooooo good to see you, you know.” 

 

“Yeah, same here.” He eyed his lover closer. The bags under his eyes were dark and the lines on his face had become more and deeper. “Are you okay, hon?”

 

“Sure.” Tony rubbed his neck.

 

“Doesn't look like it.” 

 

“It’s just more work to get my boys prepared then I had hoped. Sorry for the lack of contact but I had to drill them quite hard, night maneuver and special exercises the whole week.”

 

“Did you get a special task? I can’t remember we had to prepare like this before we went overseas.” His gut clenched and he feared the answer.

 

“No, just the normal deployment. Sometime soon we head over to Okinawa.” Gibbs had a strange feeling but couldn’t get a hold on it. He sipped his bourbon absentmindedly and grunted. 

 

“Did you get injured on a case?” Tony’s voice was colored with concern. He followed the gaze of his lover and saw that Tony meant his bandaged right hand. For a short moment his mind wandered back to the scene down in the basement two days ago. 

Gibbs fixed his eyes on the green ones in front of him, seeing a wild mix of emotions in them. 

 

“No, in the basement.” He said truthfully but avoided to tell him how.

 

“You should be more careful, love. I would kiss it better if I could.” 

 

“Don’t worry. It is not that bad but actually it would a whole lot better if you could kiss it… or me” Gibbs noticed with great satisfaction, a smile spreading on Tony’s face. He instantly looked younger. 

 

“I could do a lot more then kiss you. I could su-” Tony said with a smutty grin. 

 

“Don’t go there!” Gibbs interrupted him warningly, feeling his cock stir already. 

 

“Ohh, why not?” Tony whined, making a face.

 

“I’m way too old to do this kind of things.” He laughed, knowing full well it wasn’t the last word said in this case.

“Fine.” Tony gave him a sad smile. “But I hope you don’t mind me changing, while talking. I really have to get some sleep soon.” 

 

“No, go ahead.” He returned the smile, glad to have some more minutes with him. The video shook as Tony moved and Gibbs got to see more of the room Tony was in. He saw bare white walls and the corner of a dresser on the left side. On the lower edge he noticed bed sheets and concluded it was Tony’s bedroom. Tony had moved to the middle of the room and was just shrugging of his uniform shirt. Gibbs admired the view as more and more pieces fell to the ground. 

Tony walked towards the camera, bare-chested and his belt, fly and button open, pants riding low on his hips. Gibbs licked his lips as he remembered the feeling of that body in his arms. Tony adjusted the laptop so that his face was in the window of Gibbs device again. 

 

“For talking people usually use words, love.” A twinkle in his eyes.

 

“Uh… Yeah… Sure.” Gibbs had an awful lot to do getting his groin and head back to earth again. “I shall tell you, McGee hates you.” He said as Tony set the laptop back on the bed and returned to get further undressed.

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because he had to explain me this Skype-thing. He also wants your name, so he can talk to you.” Gibbs growled and narrowed his eyes about the memory but was soon drawn back to the half-naked Tony. 

 

“Poor probie! Yeah, pass it on.” Tony laugh wholeheartedly, as his pants dropped to the floor. He loved the way Tony looked in boxers. 

 

“I wish, I could take a picture right now.” Gibbs’ desire was clearly audible. 

 

“Oh, you can but I won’t tell you how.” Tony grinned, as he climbed back into bed and placed the laptop in his lab. Gibbs got a good eye full of the nice defined stomach and chest. 

 

“We really should go to bed, hon.” He couldn’t bare the temptation any more. He just wanted to head to the shower and relieve his tension in lack of Tony being here. 

 

“I know. But I don’t want to hang up. I want to cuddle to your side and feel your arms around me.” Gibbs gulped as the longing forced it way up to the surface. This was exactly what he wanted too. “I want to feel your body pressed to mine and want to feel your hands caressing my skin.” Gibbs licked his lips, the thought made him horribly horny. 

 

“And what would you like me to do else?” He asked, knowing he had lost. Tony’s eyes sparkled as he leaned back and watched Gibbs with desire. 

 

“First I would want you to take your shirt and pants off.” Tony smiled from the screen as Gibbs slowly took his shirt off. To get rid of his too tight pants he placed the laptop on the coffee table and striped off the unwanted fabric. His hard cock tented his boxers. “I like the view.” Tony said smutty and Gibbs saw that his groin was directly in front of the camera. He smiled and picked up the device again. 

 

“So and when I have stipped of my cloth what would you like me to do then?” Now it was Tony’s turn to lick his lips as he eyed Gibbs’ naked torso. “You would press me against the nearby wall and start sucking on my neck. I’m not able to move. You fixed my hands with yours over my head, while you grind your hard cock against mine.” Gibbs watched Tony’s hand slowly caress his own chest and stomach on the way to his lap. His eyes were fixed on his as Tony freed his hard length and started to stroke himself. Gibbs’ cock twitched and leaked in his boxers, aching for a touch. 

 

“Tell me more.” Gibbs groaned as he took his member in hand and started to stroke. Tony moaned low at the view.

 

“You would kiss down my body, until you reach my cock. You lick it slowly and then take it in your mouth.” Gibbs groaned as the images in his mind popped up and mixed with the memories of the taste and feel of Tony’s cock. 

 

“You suck me while your fingers find my hole.” Tony closed his eyes and stroke faster. He moaned and whispered encouraging words. Gibbs loved the view. The closed eyes and his tongue darting out between his lips from time to time. Gibbs quickened his pace as well. 

 

“Then suddenly you get up and spin me around, pinning me against the wall again. I can feel your hard cock at my ass. You slowly caress my hole with your tip and then you forcefully enter me. Fucking me hard. You bite my neck while you relentlessly thrust into me, again and again.” 

 

“Oh god.” Gibbs sighed and closed his eyes feeling his orgasam building up fast. 

 

“Oh, love. Yeah, fuck me.” Tony moaned and it was all it took to bring him over the edge. he spilled himself over his hand and boxer. 

 

As he opened his eyes he saw Tony falling apart. He watched him slowly calming down as a mix of sadness and love creeped into his mind. 

 

“We better clean ourselves, love.” Tony said fondly, a satisfied smile on his face. Gibbs just nodded and placed the laptop back on the coffee table.

He went into the kitchen and washed his hands. His thoughts wandered to the time Tony would have come up behind him and bring his arms around his belly, resting his head on his shoulder, while Gibbs was doing whatever he had to do. 

 

“I still miss you.” Gibbs said as he returned to the laptop.

 

“I miss you, too, love.” Tony tiredly looked at him.

 

“Lie down, honey.” He said softly as he made his way up the stairs. 

 

“What do you have in mind?” Tony asked as he obeyed. Gibbs watched as Tony lowered his head onto his pillow, as he entered his own bedroom. 

He crawled into bed and settled there. They lay face to face but unfortunately still in different beds. Gibbs caressed the computer cheek of Tony, while they gazed into each other's eyes. 

 

“I love you, hon.”

 

“I love you more.” Both smiled slightly. 

 

“Close your eyes. I’ll be here.” Gibbs said low. “Sleep well.” 

 

“You, too, love.” Tony blew a kiss in his direction and closed his eyes. It didn’t take long and Gibbs noticed Tony’s breath becoming even and deep. He watched his sleeping lover for another 20 minutes before he ended the call.

 

*/*

 

Abby bounced around in her lab. It was a quiet day and Major mass spec worked on the few traces she had to analyze and her computer was running some searches. Music filled the room and even though she didn’t know why she was in best mood. 

She just spun around on her heels as two strong arms grabbed her. Abby saw into the icy blue eyes of her boss.

 

“Hey, Gibbs! What are you doing here? Major mass spec is still working.” She screamed over the music.

 

‘I need you to check something.’ She could read from his lips but the sound didn’t make it through the music. Gibbs walked to the stereo and turned it off. 

 

“I need you to check something.” He repeated obviously annoyed.

 

“You order, I’ll obey.” She smirked.

 

“Are you able to find the marching orders and strategic plans for the 2nd Battalion, 1st Marines? Not the old reports but the current orders.” He asked without showing any emotions.

 

“Why? Do we have a new case?”

 

“Just do it, Abby.” Gibbs looked sternly at her and she could feel an urgency in his whole appearance, she seldom noticed within him.  

 

“I guess, it’s not a case, isn’t it? I’m not sure. This is highest level of classification. It’s more Timmy’s area.”

 

“Can you?” Gibbs barked looking slightly angry. 

 

“I’ll try.” She turned to her computer and started to pull up different databases. Gibbs placed a swift kiss on her cheek and vanished.

 

It took her hours, only to get through the first four fire walls of the pentagon and she was miles away from any of the things she was supposed to look for. It was exhausting and she needed help with this, she decided. 

 

“Timmy, I need you here. Are you free?” Abby asked immediately after McGee had picked up the phone.

 

“Yup, I’ll come.” He hung up and three minutes later walked into her lap.

 

“I shall find some classified documents. But my skills are not as good as yours. We need marching orders and strategic plans for the 2nd Battalion, 1st Marines. The current ones.” She saw McGee raising his eyebrows.

 

“What? Abby, that is…” He trailed of. 

 

“I know but it seemed really important. Trust me, we should do it.” She placed a hand on his shoulder to convince and calm him. 

He turned to her computer and started to type, his face was twisted in discomfort. Abby started her work on the second device right next to Tim. 

It took another two hours until they finally decrypted the wanted information. 

 

“Look at this, Tim.” She said, feeling sickness rising in her. McGee stepped behind her and looked over her shoulder. Abby had opened a document with detailed descriptions of a special op called ‘black thunder’. 

The fifth line had caught her eye. It read, Lead: 1st Lieutenant Anthony D. DiNozzo 

She read on and just gulped. This mission was a suicide squad. She turned to Tim, who had paled and looked like he had to throw up. Now she was sure what information Gibbs was looking for and hit the print button. Tears welled up in her eyes and she silently repeated over and over again, “He’ll come back. He had promised.”

 

“I’ll take that to Gibbs.”  Tim said gravely and took the paper out of the printer.

 

*/* 

 

‘Get your ass online ASAP!’

 

‘Busy. Not before friday. Semper fi'

 

Gibbs growled at his phone. It was only monday. He scanned the ‘black thunder’-file again. Tony had lied, just lied straight into his face.

 

*/*

 

As the familiar sound reached his ear, his anger, hurt and frustration had reached a nearly unbearable level. He had walked up and down in his living room for several hours and his mind had had plenty of time to freak out. 

He slammed to the couch, pulled the laptop to him and accepted the call.

 

“It’s about time.” Gibbs growled angry.

 

“Hey love, what’s wrong?” Tony looked tired and worried but Gibbs forced any calming emotion away. 

 

“You lied.” He answered with gritted teeth. 

 

“I lied?” Tony looked surprised at him and this let his blood boil even more.

 

“Yes. Do you remember two weeks ago, I asked you if you have a special task and you just fucking lied into my face.” He saw Tony’s face pale and knew he was right. All the while he had hoped Tony just hadn’t his orders back then but the guilt on his face made it clear. He had lied.

 

“Listen, love. I just wanted-” Tony started but he interrupted him.

 

“Cut it!” His voice was low and threatening. He didn’t want to have to listen to more lies. “I don’t want to hear this shit. Your are heading straight into a suicide mission and didn’t even tell me. Okinawa, you said, plain lying again. You are heading to Iraq and I wouldn’t even know. I thought we are… we are…” The lack of words forced him to stop. He had no idea what they actually were. A couple, lovers, partners, in love? All and nothing of this. 

 

“We are what?” Gibbs focused back on the screen as he heard the growled question. As he saw the angry green eyes staring at him, he gritted his teeth in aggression.

 

“Whatever we are. Don’t you think I should know if you are going to kill yourself. You are not alone anymore. I’m sitting here waiting for you. Praying every single minute you are still in the country, still save. Hoping some kind of miracle will let you stay home and you-” His frustration and fear let him nearly scream the words.

 

“I’m a fucking Marine! I’ll fight. I might die but anyway I’ll follow my orders. And if you can't deal with this it might be better you just go then.” Tony yelled back.

 

“Oh, fine. I’ll go. Let yourself get killed. I won’t stop you.” Gibbs growled, feeling his blood rush through his veins and pounding loudly in his ears.

 

“Fine. That makes it all way easier. So I don’t have to defend myself for every single thing I do. I don’t have to head to the fucking laptop even though I just want to sleep and I don’t have to think about what I’ll probably do wrong next. You knew exactly in what you engaged in as we started this. So fuck you, Gibbs. Fuck your rebukes.” 

 

“I won’t bother you again, DiNozzo! You don’t have to worry at all. No one will keep you from playing soldier!” Gibbs yelled at the screen seeing his anger and frustration mirrored in Tony’s face.

 

“Bye,  _ BOSS _ !” Tony barked back and ended the call.

 

Gibbs dropped against the backrest of the couch. He stared at the screen, seeing the open program and next to it Tony’s laughing face and slammed the affronting device shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me... :(


	4. Nowhere

Tony sat in the cosy living room. He gazed over the happy little family pictures hanging on the wall and felt sickness rising up in him. It had been a month since the fucking Skype-call and there was no text, no call, no letter, nothing. This stupid stubborn bastard. Though, he hadn’t actually tried to contact Gibbs either. Tony let his eyes wander over the white bookshelves, lined up along the wall to his right. Margaret did really have a knack for decorating and making a house cosy. The light blue carpet and the white couch with small blue and green flowers on it perfectly matched the shelves and all the different personal things added to the feeling of it being a home. 

He felt so misplaced and wrong in the middle of this perfect little world. His world was gray and dark and just like his home. Unpersonal.

 

“Here is your coffee, Troops.” Ben handed him a mug as he entered the room. 

 

“Thanks.” Tony smiled slightly, taking it.

 

“How is it going?” Ben looked fondly at him as he took a seat in the armchair opposite him.

 

“Fine. Really fine.” He answered, noticing that he couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

 

“I’m sure.” Ben looked doubtfully at him. “But something is eating at you, isn’t it?” Tony just sighed, looking down into his mug.

 

“Is it about the op? I know it is a rather hard one. Are you worried that your men aren’t ready? I heard you rode them really hard the last month.”

Tony flinched slightly. He had drilled them hard, not because they needed it but for unfair reasons. The break up with Gibbs had made him be grim and take it out on his soldiers. He knew it wasn’t right but, even though he tried not to, it always ended the same. He yelled orders and let them do the exercises over and over again, letting his anger and frustration guide him. 

He breathed in deeply and raised his eyes. Concern and curiosity were plainly visible on Ben’s face.

 

“No, not really. Sure the op worries me but I’m also sure my boys will be great. No, it isn't that.” Tony took another deep breath to gather his courage. He knew he could talk to Ben about the break up. He was his friend and would listen and supply as helpful advice as he could manage but talking about such personal thing wasn’t his to do. Tony didn’t share intimate stuff with other people. 

 

“It’s Jay.” Ben rose his eyebrows and nodded. “We broke up.” Tony sagged into the couch and sighed. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ben asked gently.

 

“There is not much to talk about. We fought. She didn’t understand that I have no choice.” He shivered. Using ‘she’ always frustrated him and he damned the stupid DADT. “I’m a solider and I can’t stay home, although I would rather be in her arms. You know, I came home and just wanted to hear her voice, to see her and let her chase away all the tension and stress and all I got were accusations. And finally the break up.”

 

“She wanted you to come back to DC?” Ben inquired.

 

“No, she somehow learned about my special op and was furious.” 

 

“You didn’t tell her?” Ben looked surprised. 

 

“No. I didn’t. Actually she asked if I had a special task but I denied it.”

 

“Oh, Troops! You are a fool. Why did you lie? The most important thing in a long distance relationship is absolute honesty. You could have at least told her that there is a special op, even though you can’t reveal more in this case. As long as you are allowed to tell, TELL.” Tony looked at Ben in wonder. 

 

“I didn’t want to worry her.” For the first time, Tony considered the possibility that it wasn’t the dangerous op but his handling of it, Gibbs was so angry about. The thought hit him hard. Gibbs wasn’t unfair or didn’t understand, he was just hurt about Tony’s lie. He might even have thought Tony had done it to exclude him. He gritted his teeth in an attempt to force back the tears, welling up in his eyes. Fuck! It was his fault and now… now… He didn’t know what now. Had he just ruined his chance of being with Gibbs happily ever after? Destroyed all he ever wanted? 

 

“Troops… TROOPS?” Ben shook his shoulder and pulled Tony out of his thoughts. He fixed his eyes on the brown ones in front of him and felt something shift inside.

 

“Thanks for the talk. It really helped.” Tony said emotionlessly and got to his feet. “I’ll better go. Get some sleep as long as I can.” 

 

He walked, not seeing the alarmed and anxious gaze Ben threw him, not seeing the flowers in the front garden, not seeing his own house as he passed it by. 

 

*/*

 

‘Leaving Pendleton tomorrow. Thought you might want to know.’

 

The silence of Tony’s phone was defeating. The small spark of hope burned out in the dark of his mind and heart. 

 

*/*

 

He was slowly inching forward. The light of the waxing moon made the scene look surreal as he lead his men through the hills and valleys. Troops could hear a dog or something howl in the distance. It felt unreal, like a movie but in the movies the hero eventually gets his happy end. In this case it was more than unlikely that he would get one. The mission would prove fatal and he was about to lose his men and maybe his own life. He gazed through the darkness over at his boys. 

Even if he was to survive no one was waiting at home, no one would miss him any way. The perfect soldier. 

A bitter smile appeared on his face. 

 

“Status.” Troops asked over the intercom.

 

“India, clear.”

 

“Oscar, clear.”

 

“Romeo, clear.

 

“Zulu, clear.”

 

He listened to the report and his gut clenched.

 

“Lima, status!” He asked again. Nothing. “Lima, I want an update!” Still nothing. His mind was thinking rapidly. Zulu was supposed to be nearest Lima.

 

“Zulu, do you have visual contact to Lima?” 

 

“Negativ.”

 

“They are supposed to be round about one yard to your right. Go look. The rest: halt!”

 

“Roger.” Was the unified answer in his ear. He kneeled down to be partially sheltered between the bushes, waiting anxiously for news. The light of the moon slowly faded as thick clouds covered it more and more.

 

“Lima down! Repeat LIMA DOWN.” There was a touch of panic in the voice. Tony cursed under his breath. 

 

“Formation niner hotel.” Troops barked low over the intercom and watched his men more or less calmly come together forming a circle and eyeing the surroundings with guns in aiming position.

His mind was rapidly working through all possibilities. 

 

“Zulu, Report.” He ordered. 

 

“Two men down. Shot wounds.” Dawson answered. Troops looked at his SIC.

 

“Can only be a sniper. I haven’t heard gunfire.” Troops guessed and Liam nodded. He had to think about the further strategy. The target was just a few miles away but he felt uneasy to leave the bodies of his men behind in the middle of nowhere. He never left someone behind. 

Tony unfolded a map and placed it on the ground. The last bit of moonlight was just enough to make out the lines on it.

 

“We are supposed to be here.” Troops pointed on the map. “Over there should be a small hill” He gestured to the south-west. Liam eyed the area and nodded. “We will hide our boy’s over by the hill under the bushes.” He made a red cross on the map to mark the temporary hiding place. 

 

“India, Romeo, you take Lima to the little hill sw. Hide them under the bushes to keep them save. The others: swarm and secure the surroundings.” Troops barked over the intercom. 

 

“Aren’t you going to tell them about the sniper?” Liam urged him. He just rolled his eyes.

 

“Be carefull, possible sniper around.” Troops added.

 

“Roger.” Came in unison.

 

Tony surveyed the trees a few yards away while his soldiers did as they were ordered. His gut clenched once more. He had the strange feeling someone was watching them, waiting for them to come near the trees. But he couldn’t see anything. 

 

He looked over to Liam, always by his side, watching the group of trees as well. 

 

“Can you see something?” Troops asked but Liam just shook his head. He glanced to the men who took care of the dead bodies. “India, Romeo, hurry up. We need to go.”

 

Suddenly, all hell broke lose.

 

Tony heard gunfire and words shouted in a foreign language. Pain exploded in his shoulder. 

 

“Down! DOWN!” He yelled over the intercom. He aimed at shadows moving way too fast. Fired into the darkness without a target. Liam next to him barked orders, aiming hastily around. 

 

The world around him came to a halt, like someone had paused a movie. He suddenly saw the whole situation clearly. He saw rebels run towards his unit, saw himself and Liam in squatting position between the bushes. The other boys of the unit a few meters away, firing at the invisible enemy. 

He saw Noah crawling on the floor, saw the wifes and girlfriends waving their goodbyes. 

He saw Gibbs turning and walking away. 

 

“RETREAT! RETREAT! Meeting Point Victor Zero!” He shouted, making a split second decision. 

 

“I hate the expression on your face! You look like a man with nothing to lose.” Liam growled.

 

“I haven’t. Bring them home. I’ll keep them busy as long as I can.” He said determined.

 

“But-”

 

“That’s an order, Sergeant Major!” Troops gaze was hard and Liam nodded curtly, lips pressed into a thin line and teeth gritted. His SIC made his way backwards and Troops felt strangely calm.

 

He watched the rebels drawing closer, now slowly creeping through bushes and grass. He smiled to himself. No happy ending for him but maybe for the others. At least he was the perfect soldier. 

Kissing Gibbs’ challenge coin for the last time he sighed. Semper fi! 

 

Troops threw the first grenade and watched three of the rebels flying through the air a moment later. Threw a second then fired into the enemy lines. He was running along the front coming towards him. Throwing another grenade then firing again. It caused the rebels to stop for a moment before quickly changing direction. 

He moved several times, repeating the pattern. The rebels fired as blindly as Troops himself into the night but he was already gone. A movement at the edge of the woods caught his eye and in the next moment, a shell exploded next to him.

 

The world turned dark.

 

*/*

 

“Richards residence. Margaret speaking.”

 

“Hi, darling. Not much time. I love you and I miss you. Tell the kids the same.” Ben answered hastily. 

 

“Love you, too, honey. Good to hear you. Is everything okay?” She smiled to herself, glad to hear his voice even for a few minutes. 

 

“Not really. I’m fine but Troops is late.” Mags gripped the phone tighter, feeling fear rising within her. “What do you mean, he is late?”

 

“He is four days behind his schedule and I’m worried. He wasn’t in the best condition since, you know, Jay. I shouldn’t have let him go. He was so-”

 

“Benjamin F. Richards, don’t even think about it. Troops would never get his men in any danger just because of a break-up!” She burst out, not wanting to even consider it. 

 

“I know, I know. But… Anyway I have to inform the HQ and I’m beyond worried.” She could hear the concern in his voice as clearly as she could feel the kitchen counter she was leaning at.

 

“He will come back. You will see. I’m sure he will walk in any minute with a big grin on his face, asking if you have missed him.” 

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Love ya, darling!” 

 

“Love ya, too. Take care!”

 

The line went dead and Margaret stared at the phone. Even while she had reassured her husband, Mags felt her stomach tighten up in knots. Troops was late. Normally, he never was. He was goofing around and forgetting the time but he was never late like this. Not on a mission. Not four days. 

She desperately tried to believe her own words. Troops would walk in any minute now. Any minute. 

She looked at the letter on the kitchen table. Maybe it was better to just wait a few days till Troops was back again and then send it.

  
  


*/*

 

Troops opened his eyes slowly. He was tied to a chair in a half dark room. The clay walls were as dirty as the floor and the smell excrements and vomit filled his airways.

 

His shoulder hurt and he felt a trickle of blood slowly running down his cheek. His body felt sore and limp and his head ached like hell. Oh great, this was his luck. He would have prefered to just get a headshot or die in a fight. But he was apparently in for more fun. 

 

In a hole in the wall right in front of him, a turbaned man with a rifle appeared and eyed him. Troops stared blankly at him. He would go down with pride and honor. 

The rebel yelled something in arabic and soon another man entered the room. 

 

“Ah, welcome, my friend. I’m Sabri.” The also turbaned man smiled at him. Troops glared back in disgust, recognising him immediately from the photo he had seen in preparation for the op. Sabri was one of his targets, one of the high ranking Al-Quaida officers he had to eliminate. “I see you are a tuff guy, 1st Lieutenant DiNozzo.”  

Sabri placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling even wider as he bent down to be in line with Troops eyes. “But it will not helps you. You know, my name can be translated as patience, endurance and strength and I always live up to my name. So until now, all my friends wanted to talk with me... eventually.” Looking in Tony's eyes he, bit by bit, moved his thumb down on his shoulder wound. 

The slowly increasing pressure let him tense up but he didn’t move.

As Sabri suddenly pressed his thumb full force into his wound, Tony ground his teeth together. The pain spread through his whole body, making him shift slightly. He focused on a spot at the wall, determined not to show any sign of weakness. 

 

“Oh, we will have so much amusement.” Sabri smiled delighted and yelled something in Arabic. Tony could hear movements around the room and guessed that there were at least four other men in the hut. From the dossiers he had read, they were supposed to be round about 18 terrorists, 3 of them members of the management level of Al-Quaida. 

 

“Fun, you mean fun! And I can’t wait.” Troops bit out through gritted teeth, glaring at Sabri. He was greeted with a brilliant smile again. “Good.” 

 

“I ask you three questions and you answer as soon as you like. But please don’t give up too early. I expect you to be a worthy opponent.” Sabri was grinning in delight and Tony knew right then that he would die there. This sadistic maniac would never let him go, so the least he could do was to die in dignity. 

 

“First question: Why are you here, second: are there mores, third: Who do you know we are here? That would be that.” The eyes of the terrorist lit up as if he had the chore done and was finally getting to the fun-stuff. Tony braced himself. 

 

“I thought about a summer house in this area.” He said calmly and a satisfied expression crossed Sabri’s face. 

 

So it started. Sabri obviously took a pleasure in torturing him. He beat him up with his fist, with sticks, with a belt. But he never landed the final stroke. Every time Troops was near unconsciousness, Sabri stopped and paused. Troops was given some water or a few bits of foot and then it started all over again. Sabri never asked for the earlier demanded answers, he just beat the crap out of him again and again. 

 

Troops knew Sabri didn’t do it for information, was even sure they had it already, but Sabri enjoyed the torture as a kind of pastime entertainment.

 

At some point during the never ending beating, Sabri had brought a knife with him. Slowly cutting in his arm, watching the blood spill out of the wound, than cutting a bit deeper. Watching, cutting, watching, cutting.

All this time, Troops remained calm. He wasn’t willing to even twitch a muscle for this bastard. It didn’t matter what kind of pain would roll through him, he was a member of the USMC, a Marine. 

 

Troops had lost track of time. It could have been a day or a month since they had captured him. His body ached and his mind was foggy. The pain in his torso doubled with each movement and he guessed that he had several broken ribs. One was seemingly piercing his lung and judging by the pain further down, he had internal bleedings as well. It didn't look very well but he didn’t care. If he would die here, he would at least die as a brave man, a soldier protecting his country.

 

~Suddenly he was on Gibbs’ couch, in Gibbs’s house, his head in Gibbs’ lap. Tony shifted to see a bewildered looking Gibbs. 

 

“You okay, love?” He asked sleepy, feeling defeated.

 

“I don’t know.” Gibbs said slowly. He brought a hand to Tony’s hair and caressed his head. 

 

“What is it?” Tony asked worried, not liking the sound of his voice at all. 

 

“I thought I was in the office just moments ago. Someone told me that you were missing in action.” Gibbs moved his other hand onto Tony’s belly and stared into his eyes. Tony gazed thoughtfully up at him and cupped his hand on his stomach.

 

“Mhhh, don’t worry. I’ll never leave you.” Tony smiled at him and Gibbs bent down, kissing him tenderly. The feeling of his lips let a warmth spread through him and Tony somehow knew he had to keep this feelings inside.

 

“But you did. You left me. You broke up with me.” Gibbs’ still caressing hand came to a halt, as he backed away and he narrowed his eyes on Tony. ”Or did I broke up?” His stomach clenched. 

 

“We broke up, anyway. You are gone.” Gibbs eyes became sad.

They did, Gibbs was right. But he never actually had let him go. Not in his mind, not with his heart.

 

“My love,” Tony cupped his face, “even if this is true. This doesn't mean I’m not with you. I always will. Semper fi. You remember?” 

 

“Semper fi, hon!”~

 

A sharp pain pulled him back into the dark room. Sabri was beating his head but the warmth still inside him lessened the ache.

 

“I have a little present for you, friend.” Sabri let him know as Tony started laughing.

 

The blood in his eyes made it difficult to see as a man brought Liam in. Troops laughter died abruptly. Liam’s hands bound together, a wound on his forehead and bruises on his chin.  Troops fought against his bonds. Not Liam. Why couldn’t he be in safety. All his sacrifices were for nothing. 

 

“So if you don’t talk, my friend, I will shoot your, how do you call it, buddy?” Troops saw the fear in Liam's eyes but his SIC shook his head determined.

 

“How about shooting me?” Troops grinned up at his torturer.

 

“Oh, well, it would be a possibility but not an amusing one.” Sabri returned and grabbed the collar of Liam’s uniform to tear him onto the floor. He pressed the barrel of his gun to Liam’s temple. 

 

“NO!” Troops struggled harder against his bonds. Sabri smiled delighted. “NO!”

 

Sabri fixed his gaze on him and Troops could see the twisted pleasure in his eyes. “No, I will-”

 

“How bad. Just too late.” Sabri pulled the trigger and Troops could see a sad smile on Liam’s face as he said, “Bye, Troo-” 

He sagged to the ground, blood seeping out of his head and soaking the sandy ground.  

 

“NO, NO! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” He struggled hard to free himself, tears running down his cheeks as he yelled on top of his lungs. The ropes cut into his wrists and ankles. He threw his limbs around, trying to rip the rope or his joints apart. Tony bucked up his hip and he fell to the ground still fixed to the chair. Liam’s words echoed in his ears. The lifeless face right in front of him. The dead eyes staring at nothing. Troops tried to back away. “NO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU ARE DEAD!”

 

“Oh, friend, such hard words. I’m sure you don’t mean it.” Sabri said amused, visibly enjoying the show. Tony tried to calm down, giving his torturer no further reason to be amused. It took all his strength to cool down. “You just made a big mistake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it got worse... please don't hate me... :(


	5. Missing

The elevator pinged and two men stepped into the bullpen. Gibbs looked up from his work to noticed it was Frank from the reception and a stranger in uniform. He watched the men walking over and Frank pointed at Gibbs with a grave expression on his face. 

The stranger came towards him as Frank looked sadly in Gibbs direction and turned to leave. Cait, McGee and Jackson observed the scene as the stranger asked seriously, “Leroy Jethro Gibbs?”

 

“Yes.” Gibbs watched him closely and his gut clenched. He was sure this wasn’t about a case.

 

“I’m Captain Adam Black. I’m sorry to intrude you at work but I need to talk to you.” Gibbs eyed the Service Alpha Uniform in front of him and clenched his teeth. 

 

“So, do!” He grunted out.

 

“I would prefer a rather private surrounding and I think you would, too.” Black said calmly, with a sad little smile and Gibbs felt bail rising in his throat.

 

“Fine.” He got up. ”McGee I'm in the conference room with Captain Black. You take charge here.” Gibbs heard Cait huffing in protest but silenced her with a glare. 

 

“Okay, Gibbs.” Tim replied, watching the Captain closely. 

 

Gibbs lead Black upstairs and into the conference room. He tried to force the upcoming apprehension away as he closed the door behind him. 

 

“Spill it.” He said towards Black as nice as possible and failed badly. 

 

“Mr. Gibbs it is-” 

 

“Agent Gibbs.” He interrupted, knowing full well he just wanted to stall what ever might come.

 

“Agent Gibbs.” Black started again with an annoyingly patent voice. “It is my sad duty to inform you-” Gibbs held up his hand to stop Black. Sickness rose within him. Black took a step towards him and rested a hand on his arm. “I have to inform you that 1st. Lieutenant DiNozzo is missing in action.” Gibbs stared at Black, feeling his eyelid judder. 

A wave of memories crashed down on him. 

Tony at the breakfast table, Tony on the base in Falludscha, Tony under him in ecstasy, Tony staring angrily at him, Tony in his arms, Tony pulling him close to kiss him, Tony on the laptop screen. 

His mind came suddenly to a halt as sad green eyes appeared in front of his inner eye. They pierced him. Burned holes into his brain and heart. 

 

“Agent Gibbs?” A faint voice registered in his brain. “Agent Gibbs?” The voice became more present and louder. He forced his eyes slowly away from the green ones and focused on the face in front of him. “Agent Gibbs, do you like to sit down?” Black asked sympathetically and Gibbs hated it. Hated him. Hated to whole ‘I can understand how you must feel’-attitude of this guy. 

 

“Sit down, I can understand it is hard for-” 

 

“You can understand shit! Out.” He barked furious, clutching Tony’s challenge coin to his chest. 

 

“Agent Gibbs.” The gentle tune let him snap completely and he grabbed Black on the upper arm and simple forced him out of the door.

 

He barely noticed the knocking on the door and the voice calling out for him as his mind automatically focused back on the green eyes. He lost himself in them. The expression in the eyes changed in alternation between loving, sad and furious. His mind settled on the fight, they had months ago. He knew it was a suicide mission and now the green eyes were gone. Tony was gone. Gibbs knuckles went white around the coin in his hand and the chain, it was still attached to, cut in the skin of his neck. He didn’t even answer his text. He didn’t try to fix this relationship. He was just a massive stubborn asshole. Too proud to call Tony and tell him that he was still in love with him and missed him badly. He did the same as years ago, he had hidden his feelings behind anger and frustration, ignored them and banished Tony from his life again. How could one single man be so stupid twice in life? 

 

From far away he could hear more voices calling for him but the right one, the important one wasn’t among them. 

 

~Gibbs was suddenly sitting on his couch. It irritated him. Wasn’t he in the Yard just a second ago. He looked around. Nope, he was definitely at home and on his couch. 

Something shifted in his lap and he gazed down, to see Tony slowly moving his head towards him, fixing his green eyes on his own. Green eyes.

 

“You okay, love?” He asked sleepy.

 

“I don’t know.” Gibbs said slowly. He brought a hand to Tony’s hair and caressed his head. 

 

“What is it?” Tony sounded worried. 

 

“I thought I was in the office just moments ago. Someone told me that you were missing in action.” He moved his other hand onto Tony’s belly and focused on the man’s face lying in his lap. Tony gazed thoughtfully up at him and cupped his hand on his stomach.

 

“Mhhh, don’t worry. I’ll never leave you.” Tony smiled at him and Gibbs bent down, kissing him tenderly. 

 

As he backed away, a sudden thought hit him. 

 

“But you did. You left me. You broke up with me.” His still caressing hand came to a halt and he narrowed his eyes on Tony. ”Or did I broke up?”

 

“We broke up, anyway. You are gone.” He felt the sadness settled in his mind. Seeing Tony lying in his lap, made his insides shratter.

 

“My love,” Tony cupped his face, “even if this is true. This doesn't mean I’m not with you. I always will. Semper fi. You remember?” 

 

“Semper fi, hon!”~

 

He blinked and saw Black, McGee and Ducky in front of him. He was standing bent over, one hand gripping tightly the edge of the table the other still around the coin. 

 

“Jethro, are you with us again?” Ducky asked. 

 

“Ducky, I’m fine. I have to talk to the director.” He growled boxing in all the distress, fear, anger and frustration. He was Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He didn’t lose it like this. Especially not in the office. 

 

“But, my dear Jethro, you should-” 

 

“I should really talk to the director.” He forced out and left the room towards Morrow’s office. 

 

He walked straight past the secretary and entered the room without a knock.

 

“I need to fly to Iraq, today.” He announced, seeing a slightly annoyed Morrow behind his desk.

 

“And do you care to enlighten me, why?” Morrow let a file sink down, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Missing Marine, Sir.” Gibbs returned with a great effort to stay calm.

 

“I don’t think I can remember such case. Circumstances?” 

 

“Missing in action.”

 

“Missing in action? That is hardly our field of action.” Morrow narrowed his eyes and leaned forward.

 

“I don’t care if this is our ‘field of action’. I have to fly to Iraq.” Gibbs growled low, death glare on his face.

 

“What is this all about, Jethro?” Gibbs gritted his teeth hard enough to make them split.

 

“It’s DiNozzo.” He spit out forcefully, in fear he couldn’t bring the words out, otherwise. Morrow leaned back, and eyed Gibbs intensely. “Tom, I ne-”

 

“Jethro you are my friend and we know each other for a long time now, and that’s why I can’t allow it.” Morrow's voice was calm and affectionate. Gibbs janked down his hand on the desk. 

 

“You don’t understand. I have to go.” He yelled desperately. 

 

“No. I’m sorry Jethro but you are way too personally affected by this. I can see the anger in your eyes. I know DiNozzo is one of your closest friends and it would end in a fatal disaster. I’m not going to let my best agent kill himself. The Marine’s have more than one perfectly skilled search and rescue team for such situations.” Morrow said with determination and got up to face him.

 

“But-”

 

“No. Subject closed.” 

 

Gibbs roared out in a desperate growl and flipped the desk of the director in his uncontrollable anger. 

 

“GIBBS!” Morrow jumped back as the table landed on the side, spilling items everywhere around him. 

Gibbs stared furiously at him. “I’ll take leave. Starting now.” He informed Morrow and left the office, not waiting for an answer.

 

*/*

 

Ducky looked around the dark house as he had entered it. He was sure to find Jethro in the basement, working on whatever project he had on hand right now. 

But he didn’t expect to find the basement in pieces. He stopped in the middle of the stairs, taking in the chaos and devastation his old friend had caused. Shredded wood and pieces of what might had been a dresser or cupboard were scattered on the floor. Tools and saw horses among the wood and he spotted several bloody spots on the walls and the wood. Jethro was leaning at the workbench, head down, one hand on the pendent he was wearing. His hands both were bleeding and the bottles next to him indicated that he might have been one and half bottles ahead of him.

 

“Jethro?” He softly asked trying to hold the shock out of his voice. No answer, no sign of acknowledgement from the other man. 

 

“Jethro?” He tried again as he walked down the rest of the stairs. He carefully made his way to his obviously devastated friend. He placed a hand on Jethro’s shoulder. 

 

“Jethro, dear, what is wrong?” His voice was shaking slightly. He took Jethro’s left hand to examine the wounds as the man sighed deeply. 

 

“I fucked up, Duck.” His voice was thick with alcohol and emotions. Ducky inspected the injuries and saw several splinter in the skin. Jethro must have destroyed the wood around the cellar with his bare hands. 

 

“Do you want to talk?” He asked as he made his way to the first aid kid. 

 

“It wouldn’t change anything.” Jethro breathed out.

 

“My dear Jethro, in this case you are wrong. From the psychological point of view, talking about disruptive circumstances is highly important.” He gathered everything he needed to clean and dress the injuries, keeping in mind that he had to convince his friend to go to the hospital or at least to his workplace to x-ray the hands. But he was sure, now wouldn’t be the right time to cross that topic. “It reminds me on one occasion, years ago, I was a freshman at college and-”

 

“Ducky, please.” Jethro looked at him with a gaze he had never seen. It totally unsettled him. Ducky longed to take him in his arms and shush him like a little boy. The man in front of him was broken and destroyed like the wood around him. It had obviously something to do with Captain Black’s visit earlier this day but the Captain didn’t share the purpose of his visit. 

 

“Talk to me, old friend.” He took the left hand again and started to ease the wood out of the bloody knuckles. 

 

“I screwed up, mighty. Twice.” And Jethro started to tell him a story of a fourth wife and a daughter. A story about loss and dead, about drug dealer and murderer and about a broken Marine. A story he never had heard, although they knew each other more years than he was willing to admit. After listening to this, Jethro made so much more sense. His behaviour, his radiated anger, his sadness. But it still left him stunned.

Ducky listened silently while he took care of the many wounds. 

 

“I thought I could never be able to love someone in the same way as her again.” Jethro sighed in distress. “But then… I was the luckiest man on earth again. Can you believe that? I was madly in love again for the second time in my life and he wasn’t just any replacement for Shannon. But I should have known. No one gets lucky twice in life...” Ducky looked up, not sure if he had heard right. Thanks to the alcohol, Jethro's articulation wasn’t the clearest and so he dismissed the word ‘he’ as an inarticulate pronunciation.

 

“But we broke up. A silly fight, Ducky. One stupid little fight and I was just too stubborn to fix it. One little fight and we gave up.” He pulled his hand away and punched hard against the workbench. 

 

“Jethro! This does not help at all. Calm down.” Ducky stopped him before he could place the second punch. 

 

“I let it happen again, Ducky. I couldn’t save the one I love, again.” Jethro screamed in frustration.

 

“Calm down, Jethro! What happened?!” Ducky took the bloody hands in his and looked him deep in the eyes. But his friend pulled away, pacing up and down.

 

“He is missing in action. He might be dead already and I can’t help him. I can’t-” 

 

“Who? What are you talking about. Jethro, Calm down, please.” Ducky stopped him with determination and saw Jethro’s hand gripping the pendant again.

 

“Tony is missing in action and the last thing we did, was fight. I didn’t even text him back as he let me know he was heading overseas. Ducky, I have lost him because I was so fucking stupid.” Suddenly it clicked and Ducky understood. Oh, and how he understood. 

His friend had been in love, even been in a relationship with Anthony and judging by the change of his mood, lately, it must have had ended about two and a half months ago. All the other strange changes of behavior and moodiness of his friend in the last years suddenly made so much more sense, as well. If he was thinking back, most of the changes matched to appearances or disappearances of young Anthony in Jethro’s life. Today was definitely a highly enlightening one regarding Leroy Jethro Gibbs. 

 

“You are in love with Anthony?” Ducky smiled softly and Jethro stopped dead in his tracks, staring blankly at him. 

 

“Yeah, I am.” He sagged down on the workbench, again. “Madly.”

 

“Oh, I can see that.” Ducky chuckled and started to take care of the wounds once more. 

 

“And I screwed it up. I let him go. I was so stubborn. I promises to wait for him but all I did was running.” He sighed deeply. 

 

“Why did you run, Jethro? That absolutely does not sound like you.” Ducky asked softly, silently wondering how it had happened. How Jethro and Anthony had become a couple. He had always sensed a special relationship between them, though not a romantic one, but given the things he had learned today about his old friend, he should anyway adjust his impression. 

 

“I don’t know.” Jethro sighed. “I guess, I was scared. Tony was the first after Shannon, who really got to my heart.” Ducky could see the discomfort on Jethro’s face. “I didn’t want to lose him, like my girls and as I heard about his suicide squat I was so furious… and scared. And as I found out that he'd even lied to me about this fucking op, I snapped.” Ducky eyed his friend with sympathy. 

 

“Oh, my dear Jethro, that is really a mess you’ve gotten yourself into, isn’t it.” Jethro just nodded and stared at the floor as Ducky eased a big splinter out of his right hand.  

 

“And what are you going to do now?” 

 

“What do you mean?” Jethro’s eyes narrowed at him.

 

“Anthony is missing, yes, but not dead. There is still a chance he is coming home. You are surely going to straighten out everything, aren’t you?” Ducky looked expectantly back at his friend. He could see Jethro processing the information. 

 

“You are right, Ducky. He is not dead! He can’t be dead. He promised to come home.” Jethro jumped to his feet. 

 

“Where are you going?” Ducky inquired annoyed by the constant interruptions of his treatment.

 

“I don’t know. I’m not sure how to start.” Jethro rubbed the back of his hair.

 

“First of all we will make a stop at the hospital." Ducky smiled fondly at the face Jethro was making. “Your hands needs to be in perfect condition to rescue Anthony.” He reached in his pocket for the car keys as he felt the paper in it. “Ah, Jethro, I nearly forgot to hand you this.” Duck pulled out the letter Johnson had given him. The young agent had said it might be of interest for Jethro, with a glint of amusement on his face.

 

Jethro looked at the letter and paled slightly, then hastily crammed it in his pocket.

 

*/*

 

‘Dear Mr. Gibbs,

my name is Margaret Richards. I’m the wife of  ~~ Troops ~~ Tony’s Commander. You have met him in Falludscha. 

I’m smashed by the fact that Tony is missing and as far as I suppose, you and Jay might have been hit by the news as bad as me. 

 

I had the need to contact you and let you know you're not alone. Whenever you need to talk or if you have new information, please don’t hesitate to call. I had hoped because of your NCIS connections you are able to find out more details then I get. 

 

I have a letter attached for Jay. In lack of her address I had hoped you could pass it on. I suppose you are still working with her. I was really sad to hear the two of them had broken up. He was so in love with her. It nearly killed him to let her go. I don’t know if he talks to you about such things. Tony didn’t share much of his private side with us but hopefully he did with you. 

 

My kindest regards

 

Margaret Richards’

 

Gibbs looked at the second letter in his plastered hand. 

Jay? Who the fuck was Jay? Did Tony find someone new? His heart started pounding hard and he tried to make sense out of this.

Jay? Was he working with a Jay? He rapidly scanned through the names at work. Julia. Jenny. Jessica. But no Jay. Not even close. And how should Tony met someone working at the Yard after they had ended. 

Slowly an idea rose in him. His intoxicated brain needed a long time to put the pieces together. 

He opened the second letter.

 

‘My dear Jay,

 

I have the feeling I already know you. Tony has talked a lot about you. About your passion and your strength. Did you know he loves your eyes? He adores you completely and it broke him as he lost you. 

I know he is way too stubborn to call you or even leave a note. I gave him a piece of my mind about this but he still demanded that he had ruined it and it is over. 

If you are in love with him only half as much as he is with you, then you two should get your asses up and talk, love. 

I can see him suffering about losing you and I have had enough of it. I want to see him happy again. I want to have the sparkle in his eyes back whenever he talks about you. 

He didn’t lie to you because he wanted to hurt you but to protect you. He didn’t want you to worry more than you already did.

 

So please call my boy and talk to him. 

 

With love,

 

Mags (Tony’s stepmother)

 

P.S.: I had already written this letter as I heard Tony is missing. I wasn’t sure if I should sent it now but I think you still should know and you should know, love, I’m there for you as well. You made my boy so happy and I would actually love to welcome you to our family. I hope this letter doesn't hurt too much. Call me whenever you want. We might help each other through this.’

 

Gibbs stared at the letter. Mags was right it had hurt. It had shown him, that he was a big stubborn ass, once more. And that there might have been a real chance to patch things together.

 

*/*

 

Gibbs was standing in front of a small white house. The gray front garden let it look like an abundant home and this was exactly what it was. An abundant home. The owner was more gone than here and at the moment it wasn't sure if he was going to return ever again. Gibbs slowly made his way towards the front door. He turned the knob and the door swung open. He nearly expected to see a dead body or pools of blood, a crime scene. Slowly he walked into the living room to his right side. The furniture was simple and functional and no personal touch in sight. It reminded him of his own home, before Tony had reappeared in his life. Gibbs let his bag drop to the floor next to the couch and walked over to the piano. His hands glided over the smooth surface. He sighed deeply. How he wished he could hear Tony playing just once more. 

His feet brought him through the dining room on the other side of the hall and into the kitchen. The power was off and the cabinets appeared empty. Figures. If he would be long time overseas he would have done the same. Gibbs made his way to the fuse box and plunged the fuses back in. The fridge started to rattle and hum and the light in the kitchen lit up.

At least there was coffee on one of the shelves.

Gibbs walked up the stairs. The corridor had just two doors. One on the right, one on the left side. He opened the right one and looked into an office. There was a desk and several book shelves filled with books of military history and strategy. A few about the psychological strategies in warfare and some military manuals. Gibbs shivered. It looked like Tony hadn’t done anything else than studying and working on the perfect proceeding for his ops over the years. 

In Tony’s old apartment the walls had been full of dvds and novels. He had had a life outside his job but here, Gibbs could clearly see that Tony was a thoroughbred soldier and officer. 

He closed the door and turned to the left one. It was Tony’s bedroom. He recognised the bare white walls and the dresser in the corner. It was as functional as the others except for a frame lying picture down on his nightstand. Gibbs took it in hand, it showed them sitting on a bench at the Yard. Tony was slightly turned towards him, waving brightly smiling at the camera and Gibbs was leaned back, coffee in hand and a slightly crooked smile on his face. 

He remembered that day. It was a cold February day but Tony had demanded to go for coffee. He was nervous and Gibbs had the strong suspicion Tony wanted to tell him something. He was wiggling around and started more than one attempt to say something but always stopped without doing so. Then Abby interrupted them with a joyful flood of word and in the end took the picture. 

It captured them quite perfectly. This had been DiNozzo and Gibbs, years ago. Five days later Gibbs had found the resignation letter.

 

Gibbs placed it back on the nightstand and let his gaze wander around the room once more before he walked down stairs again. 

 

Grabbing the coin around his neck, he sat on the couch. He didn’t know why he had been paying an awful lot of money to jump on a plane to california and he had no idea what he had expected to find but all he knew was that he had to do exactly this. 

Maybe he had hoped to find Tony here and that it all had been a sick joke. Maybe he hoped he would find an answer where Tony could be found. 

 

The front door opened and a woman in her fifties entered the hall. Gibbs looked at her and instantly had the impression of a mother lion protecting her babies.

 

“Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in this house?” She growled narrowing her eyes on Gibbs. He got up, glaring at her. 

 

“Gibbs, Tony’s… friend.” He growled back and saw her eyes widen and in an instant he had an arm full of a woman. She pulled him close and in his surprise he just could hug her back. 

 

“I’m so glad to meet you Mr. Gibbs. I’m Margaret, a friend of Tony, it is sooo good to see you.” She babbled kind of uncontrollable. Gibbs patted her back awkwardly and answered, “Call me Jethro. Glad to meet you too, Mags.”, a warmth spread within him. 

She pulled away and looked curiously at him. 

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Actually I don’t know. I just felt like coming here.” An urgent need to hug her again rose in him and he gazed at her in an attempt to find out if she would mind it. But a second later she pulled him close again as if she had sensed his need. 

 

“Let us go to my place, Jethro. Noah shouldn't be home alone and I have dinner ready in 10 minutes. You must be starving. Troops never has something to eat here, even if he is home.” She whispered in his shoulder and Gibbs nodded. This woman really was something. 

 

They walked down the street and after passing a couple of houses they arrived in front of Margaret’s. The house and garden made a great contrast to Tony’s. It looked simply cosy.

 

The inside of the house was as cosy as it had looked from the outside. 

 

“Sit down, do you like coffee?” She ushered him towards the couch. 

 

“Yes, please.” He sat down.

 

“Strong and dark?” She guessed with a smile and he just nodded. 

A second later she returned with two mugs and sat next to him. He sipped the brew and was more than pleased. A tension, he didn’t even notice having, slowly loosened a bit.

 

“So, Jethro,” She eyed him once more, “you came here because you felt like it?” He nodded holding her gaze.

 

“I heard a lot of things about you. Not all good, to be honest.” 

 

“I can imagine.” His face hardened. He thought back to the encounter with her husband as a boy with a toddler on his hip appeared in the door to the living room. 

 

“Mom, I want to meet Bryan and Max. I know it's my turn to babysit Noah but please can I go?” The boy pleaded. Margaret’s eyes narrowed on her son. “Please?” He added.

 

“What’s with dinner?” Margaret asked and the boy just smiled shyly. “Pizza, again?” She sighed. The boy nodded. “Oh, fine. But you will take him twice next week.” 

 

“Okay!” He answered enthusiastically and was already halfway out the door after shoving the toddler in his mom’s lap. 

 

“Bring his blanket and toys down here.” Margaret called after her son. “Where was I? Ah, right.” She turned towards Gibbs again. “Ben isn’t exactly fond of you but Tony is.” Gibbs plastered hand came unconsciously up to the coin again, while he was watching the toddler. His finger slightly touched the pendant. 

 

“Is he?” He asked, avoiding her eyes.

 

“Yup. What happened to your hands?” He saw her looking at his plastered and dressed hands. His finger were bruised and one was able to see slough on the edge of the dressing. 

 

“I got into a fight.” He said gruffly, thinking about his loss of temper in the basement. 

 

“Against a wall?” She chuckled and he felt a smile tuck on the corners of his lips, as the boy came back in again to place the blanket and the toys on the floor. “Bye, mom.” He waved briefly and was gone.

 

“No wonder why Tony choose you as his stepmother. But actually I guess he hadn’t had a real chance.” He smiled. Her eyes widened and wandered to his pendant.

 

“Not really, love.” She glanced at him like waiting for a special reaction. Gibbs twitched slightly.

 

“Please don’t call me ‘love’.” Gibbs felt the tension within him rising again, as he stroke the coin. 

 

“Why didn’t you bring Jay with you?” Mags asked getting up to place the wiggling Noah on the blanket.

 

“She… had to work.” A bitter taste appeared in his mouth and he sipped his coffee to get rid of it.

 

“She had, uh?” Margaret looked thoughtfully at him as she settled back on the couch.

 

“But I shall tell you, you have been right with the letter and even though it truly hurts to read those lines and to feel even more like being a stupid ass. She needed to hear it.”

 

“You are welcome!” Gibbs head shot up and for a split second he wasn’t able to keep his face blank. 

 

“Oh, c’mon, honey. Don’t play dumb with me.” She smiled at him. “Even if you’re excellent in hiding behind your unreadable, emotionless face I can see it all.”

 

“See what?” He growled in defense.

 

“You are Jay, aren’t you? The way your eyes slightly widen when you talk about Tony, the challenge coin around your neck you always touch when you miss him or feel unsettled. It’s the coin Ben hands out, so don’t even try to deny it’s from Tony. Calling me stepmother and Mags. Face it, honey! No need to deny it.” She beamed at him. 

His mind went wild on her explanation. For a brief moment he considered to offer her a job at the NCIS. She was right with every observation but more oblivious people, normal people, wouldn’t have caught any of those details. Not to speak about drawing the right conclusions. 

 

He just stared at her, not knowing what to say. Feeling kind of embarrassed that he had give himself away. He really wasn’t at his best.

 

Noah gave a loud squeal of amusement as he played with a stuffed elephant, shaking and waving it through the air.

 

“Don’t worry. It is perfectly fine with me and I won’t tell. Your secret is safe with me. All I want is Tony to be happy and I could clearly see you did exactly this.” She pulled Gibbs into her arms. 

 

“Welcome to our family.” She said softly. Gibbs straightened himself and watched her closely, feeling awkward. He still wasn’t coping well with emotions and being treated like a son-in-law by a woman around his age made him feel highly uncomfortable.   

 

“Why did you already know about Tony’s disappearance? You must have sent the letters at least four days ago. Tell me what happened.” He asked gruffly trying to get on safe territory again.

 

“My husband called me a week and a half ago and told me, Tony hadn’t come back from his op. He was already four days behind the schedule and he had to pass this to HQ. A few days ago they found two boys from his unit and they confirmed that something terribly went wrong and Ben had to report Troops and the rest of the unit missing in action. That is all I know so far. Haven’t heard from Ben in four days now. Troops is right, you really can be grumpy.” Her voice had changed to a gravely tune.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say. 

 

“I know, honey, me too.” Her face was suddenly soft and affectionate. “It must be hell for you.”

 

“I’m not quite good in being a Marine’s wife. Usually I’m the Marine, you know.” 

 

“Oh, I can imagine.” She giggled, as Noah got to his feet and started to run around in the living room. Gibbs watch the little boy running and laughing and he was badly reminded of his little Kelly. Sadness rose within him. He had lost everything all over again and this tore wounds open. Still badly hurting wounds, wounds he wished he could let heal. 

The toddler suddenly tripped over his own feet right next to him and in a split second Gibbs had him in a solid grip to steady him. The little boy steared kind of shocked at him but as Gibbs let go and smiled, Noah let out a squeal of amusement and flung himself into Gibbs lap. 

 

“Look at you boys.” Mags smiled as Gibbs gave in and pulled Noah on his lap. “It really suits you.” She winked.

 

“Thanks but I’m not that into kids.” He smiled back and hoped to hide the bitterness he felt.

 

“That’s too bad. It looks like they love you. Noah normally is very shy with strangers but you only had to smile at him.” In lack of anything to say Gibbs just showed a small smile as the toddler cuddled to his chest. 

 

*/*

 

‘Gibbs we need you back here. Tough case.’

 

Jethro groaned as he read the text from McGee. He didn’t want to leave Mags and Camp Pendleton. He didn’t want to go back to DC, to the stress and lack of understanding, to the lack of Tony. 

Here he could lie on Tony’s couch and feel the presence of him, pretending he would come home any minute. In DC, all he had was an empty home and a smashed basement.


	6. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay but real life really got me busy... and if this wouln't be enough; my beater discovered she has a life, too. ;)  
> But no worries I'm determined to finish this story!

Ben was sitting at his desk as a Corporal burst into his office. The expression on his face was a mix of fear and excitement. Ben looked irritated at him. The lack of knocking and mandatory salute made him angry. 

“Corporal, what the he-” 

“Major, they have found them.” Ben was on his feet in a split second. After one and a half month now, he had a nagging feeling that they would never find the missing soldiers. The good news made him immediately forget about the improper greeting. They found them. Thank God.

“They will enter the base every minute.” The Corporal stated with a small smile.

“Bring them right to the Fleet Hospital. How many did they find?” 

“I don’t know, Sir. The CSAR-team just reported they have found survivors before the connection failed.” Ben silently cursed the modern technology. They could construct self flying drones but failed at a reliable radio connection.  
He sighed and dismissed the Corporal. He was standing behind his desk trying to control his emotions. As CO. he had to keep his composure. His anxiousness at the uncertainty Troops’ and Liam’s whereabouts was something he could never show. All his Marines were important but if he was honest with himself, Troops and Liam were more than this. They were part of his family, his friends, his stepsons, even he would never admit it, he loved them. Ben pressed his hands to the surface of his desk to steady himself as he felt panic rising. He took a deep breath to calm down and straightened his uniform. What ever may come, he would face it. He grabbed his cap and made his way to the Fleet Hospital.

Ben was pacing in front of the hospital, waiting for the CSAR-team to arrive. His mind was chaos and the fear and worry made him sick.  
In the distance, he saw three SUV’s coming up the sandy street leaving a big dust cloud in the air. Ben suppressed the rising panic again. Whatever may come!

The cars stopped in front of him and the doors swung open a second later. 

“Order executed!” Troops said with a salute and sagged to the sandy floor as soon as he left the SUV. Ben was by his side and carried him into the hospital with the help from a medic. Out of the corners of his eye, he could see four others of the unit in more or less bad condition be carried by medics into the hospital. 

Troops was mumbling incomprehensible words. The image of his SIC was burned into his mind, all bloody and covered with countless wounds. Some already scabbed, others still bleeding. Bruises on every inch of his skin, dirt and dust covered his whole body.  
Ben lowered Troops on a stretcher and eyed him again. His face was swollen and some of the wounds were infected. He shivered. Damn, what had happened?

Troops slowly opened his eyes. “Ben… map in my pocket.” He tapped his chest pocket and closed his eyes again. He opened Troops’ pocket and fished a folded map out before the medics brought him away.  
He watched the other Marines being hauled away on stretchers. All were dirty and thin. Some had wounds but none of them looked as bad as Troops. He also noticed Liam wasn’t with them but he forced the upcoming fear away. Sooner or later he could talk to one of them and find out what happened and where the rest of the unit was.  
Ben stared at the piece of paper in his hand, seeing several crosses. Damn, what had happened…

*/*

As the phone rang Margaret felt kind of scared. Nowadays every time the phone rang she feared news she didn’t want to hear. 

“Richards’ residence. Margaret is speaking.” 

“Hi, darling. Not much time. I love you and I miss you. Tell the kids the same.” She smiled about the mandatory sentence.

“Love you, too, honey.” She replied as always. 

“We found them.” The voice of her husband changed into a concerned tune. She listened intently unable to say a word. “Troops is badly injured, five are dead.” Ben’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Liam is dead.” The relief of hearing Troops was alive was smashed by the next sentence. Liam was dead… Her gaze wandered to the little boy on the blanket as tears welled up in her eyes. 

“Liam?” Was all she could say.

“Yes. Liam.” She could hear the pain in his voice. Margaret sat down in the armchair next to her. Of course, it was always a possibility and in her time as a Marine’s wife many young men had died, men she had liked and she had grieved about but Liam was one of her two dearest Marines, except for her husband. She took care of them and she took care of their families, Noah always stayed with her when Liam was overseas since his wife had died and now he was dead, too. Dead. A word not strong enough to describe the pain and sorrow it brought with it. Tears ran down her cheeks and her voice refused to work.  
“I know.” Ben said softly through the line. 

“I love you and tell Troops I love him, too.” She choked out.

“I will. Something new at home?” Margaret knew if he was asking this question the time on the phone was nearly up. 

“No, all fine here. But you can tell Troops I met Jay and… she is lovely.” Her tears still ran down her face.

“You did meet Jay?” Ben sounded surprised.

“She visited the base after she heard Troops was MIA.” Margaret sighed, wiping her cheeks. If she didn’t like to make a woman out of Jethro, how would they feel? It had to be horrible for Tony and Jethro. “Tell Troops I expect him to be sound and safe home soon, so he can fix this with Jay.” She smiled through her tears.

“I will. Love ya, darling.”

“Love ya, too! Take care.” She replied and heard the line going dead. 

She still couldn’t believe Liam was dead. Her gaze fell on Noah, again. This poor little boy. She scooped him up from the floor and sat down on the couch, hugging him close as the toddler cuddled to her chest. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t. Not Liam of all people. 

*/*

McGee was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant looking at Abby in front of him. He felt a little nervous but there was a thought lingering in the back of his mind he had to discuss and Abby was the only one he was sure he could talk to without any problems or prejudices on her side.

“Abby?” He asked unsure how to start.

“Mhhh” She answered with a mouth full of salat, looking curiously at him.

“You know, I have a… uhm… Do you… “ He stopped, unable to find the right start to approach this topic.

“Oh, c’mon Timmy. Spit it. We are all alone here.” She looked at him waving her fork around. 

“I was thinking.” He stared at his plate.

“Oh, really? I’m dying to know what.” She teased, smiling.

Oh, heck. It was just Abby, she wouldn’t kill him even she wasn’t thinking the same. 

“Could you imagine Gibbs in a relationship with man?” He blurted out. Anxiously he waited for her reaction ready to duck away, if she was was throwing something. But Abby only let her fork sink to the plate and stared at him.

“Actually, Timmy, I have never thought about that. But there might be a chance. With the right man, why not.” She smiled softly at him. “That is so sweet. Tell me everything.” 

McGee was confused, “Tell you what?” 

“When did it happen? How did it happen? What are you going to do, now?” Excited, Abby leaned further over the table.

“How should I know? And I’m surely not going to do anything. I’m way too young to die.” McGee looked sternly at her, wondering what was going on in her mind.

“But Timmy, you can’t ignore it.” Abby insisted looking angrily at him.

“Why not? It is not my business!” He shot back now highly irritated.

“How could this not be your business? Don’t you want to be happy? You have to try, at least!” She took his hand over the table and watched him fondly.

“Abby what are you talking about? I’m not going to intervene in Gibbs’ love life!” McGee pulled his hand away and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“If you want to be with him, you have to!” She stated, mirroring his posture.

“WHAT? I don’t want to be with him! What?” He watched her, shocked.

“What? What are you talking about?” She looked confused.

“I’m wondering, if Gibbs and Tony are together! What are you talking about?” He asked.

“I thought, you tell me you are into Gibbs.” She laughed soundly. McGee shook his head, slightly smiling. 

“No, I’m not. And if I would be bi or gay or something, it wouldn’t be Gibbs, definitely not. No, I think it would be a guy more like Tony or so.” He joined her laughter and soon both were laughing tears. 

“So you think they could have a relationship?” Abby gasped as they calmed down.

“It would make sense, anyway!” McGee returned sober. “The bad mood as Tony left, the good mood as Gibbs met him again, Tony half naked in his living room wearing Gibbs sweatpants, Tony’s wish I should explain Gibbs the skype-thing… The pictures on his mantle mostly showing Tony… and one day I think I saw one of them as Gibbs’ wallpaper…” He explained, while diving into his thoughts. 

“Timmy,” Abby snapped her fingers in front of him. “You never told me Tony was half naked in Gibbs’ living room. But it would make sense and would be soooo cool. Imagine our bossman in love with Tony.” She giggled in delight.

McGee was watching her with a smile. He knew Abby would be the right one to talk to. 

“What do you think, did Tony leave because they fought or something?” Abby asked.

“I don’t think so. Tony said he was in trouble and had to leave. But I’m still no closer to the answer than years ago.” McGee sighed.

“I miss him, too.” Abby took his hand again. “He will come out of this mission alive!” 

“How can you be sure? You have read the papers, as well! It is simple suicide!” Tim got angry. He hated the fear and worries Tony’s choice of work brought with it. It was bad enough that he was gone but, really, did he have to join the Marines? 

“He promised it to Gibbs and you know what happens if he doesn't keep it.” She smiled softly.

*/*

He felt a rough and calloused hand holding his. The surface he was laying on was soft and not sandy. He smelled antiseptic and fresh linen instead of vomit and excrements and he felt no pain. No pain. But he deserved the pain, he had to feel pain, why he wasn’t sure, only thing he knew was he didn’t deserve to be painless. It was all wrong. He didn’t deserve the hand holding his.  
He slowly blinked his eyes open. It was way too bright and way too white, he couldn’t see anything. As he moved he felt pain exploding in his body and a wave of relief washed over him. 

“Troops? Are you back with us?” A voice asked, but the voice was wrong and the name was wrong. Now he noticed that even the hand was wrong. The calluses were at wrong places and the skin was too rough to be right. It was all wrong.  
He closed his eyes and faded away again. 

*/*

Gibbs was tired. He hadn’t slept well since Tony had left but now he hadn't slept at all. A tough case and the concern about Tony’s missing made it impossible for him to sleep.  
He could see how his agents hid behind their screens, nowadays. They tiptoed around him like they feared to wake the sleeping bear. He knew he was grumpy and slightly on edge but they annoyed him as much as the case and every other thing around him.  
He pinched the bridge of his nose as his phone rang. 

“Gibbs.” He grunted in the line as he let himself fall into his chair behind his desk.

“Agent Gibbs, this is Captain Black.” Gibbs resisted the urgent need to hang up immediately. “I visited you around a month ago.” Gibbs just grunted, feeling sickness rising within him.

“I just wanted to let you know, we found 1st Lieutenant DiNozzo. He is alive but seriously injured. We don’t know how his condition exactly is. So far I only can tell you he is alive.” Black stopped and supposedly waited for an answer or reaction before he went on. 

Gibbs closed his eyes, as a mix of relief and annoyance conquered his body and said, “Good.” 

“Agent Gibbs, I can’t tell you when and…” Black stopped again and he heard him gulp. “...and if he comes home alive.”  
Gibbs felt his muscles tense. Tony had promised and he damn well better keep his promise. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t better news for you.” Black pulled his mind back into the call. He hung up without another word.  
Gibbs felt the anger rise in him. He smashed his fist on the desk, his gritted teeth felt like they were about to crack but there was no way to relax now.

“Everything okay, Gibbs?” Cait asked cautiously.

“They found Tony.” He pressed out, knowing McGee and Cait were as worried as he was since Tony disappeared. McGee’s head shot up behind his screen and Cait paled slightly. Both stared at him, waiting for him to go on. 

“Seriously injured and they don’t know if he will make it.” Was all he brought out. Gibbs saw tears well up in Cait’s eyes. McGee just stared at him with slightly open mouth. 

“Did I miss something?” The voice of Jackson assaulted his ears and was all it took. He throw his phone towards the wall right next to Jackson and felt slightly satisfied as it shattered in thousand pieces. Jackson paled and stared fearfully at him. 

Gibbs touched the pendant under his shirt and started towards the elevators. 

“Uhm, Gibbs?” The small voice of McGee stopped him. He let him have his best death-glare. Everyone in the bullpen stared at McGee in disbelief and even Gibbs couldn’t help but notice the bravery of this action. “Are you okay?” 

No, he wasn’t. Nothing was okay. Tony was near death, he wasn’t with him. Stuck here with a nasty case and no sleep, an urgent need to strangle the next person talking to him with his bare hands and feeling like his world was crashing down on him. And to make it all worst this was the second time in his life he felt like this. The last time he had shot the bastard, who caused that but this time there wasn’t a way to take revenge and he had sworn he would never do something like this again. So, no, he wasn’t okay and supposedly wouldn’t be for a long time. 

“Yeah. Off for coffee.” He grunted and made his way to the elevator, his blood still boiling. He aimed for the bench, he often had sat with Tony, knowing full well Ducky would join him in a few minutes. At least as soon as the news were spread. 

*/*

Troops was fading in and out. His condition was bad and the various injuries told a story Ben wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  
The other soldiers of Troops’ unit were in way better condition. They needed food, water and supposedly a good therapist but their physical condition was at least okay. 

Ben sat at the bed of his SIC, his friend, choking on his emotions. He had talked to the other soldiers and all of them told in conformity that Troops had saved them before and after they were captured by the enemy. They also told him that all the crosses on the map where graves of missing soldiers. 

He had send out teams to salvage the bodies. Troops had kept his promise once more. It was the most important thing for him that they were all coming home. So even in this nightmare he had at least kept the bodies on save places to get them later. Some of them were even buried, marked with a cross made out of sticks. It amazed Ben to no end, he would never understand how Troops could be so clear-headed in such chaos.

Ben shook his head. The sight of Tony was heartbreaking. All the wounds and scrapes, the bruises. The doctor had told him, Tony had several broken ribs, a broken arm and a sprained ankle. His face bones were fractured and he had a serious concussion.Ben didn’t know how Tony had managed the escape and the way back to the camp, with those injuries. The doctors weren’t even sure if they had to operate. The internal bleedings were already subsiding and hopefully would stop on their own soon. Ben hated the way he was useless, he would like to march to the men, who did that and kill them with his own hands. 

Ben felt the hand in his move. Tony was dreaming again. He couldn’t understand his words but he knew it wasn’t a nice one.  
He stroke Tony’s hand, “It is all okay, Tony, you are safe.” He whispered. 

“Ben?” The voice was broken and rough. He jerked up his head and was nearly crying as he saw the green eyes looking tiredly at him. 

“Yeah.” Ben choked out and smiled.

*/*

‘My love,  
the last few days were the best of my life. I can’t imagine that we are being apart again. I’m so happy with you, I could burst. Sometimes I’m thinking about the time we worked together and the way I left. I’m wondering if we could have been so happy already years ago, if I hadn’t chickened out and then I know it doesn't matter. The only things that matter are you and now.  
You are the most important human being in my life and I thank god every single minute that you are in my life.  
I think about our future and what it may bring. Hopefully many happy years and a lot of love. 

Hopefully the reason why you opened that letter isn’t too bad. Be reminded that I’m always with you and that you can handle anything as long as you’re being yourself. Love, I have never met a person stronger and more fearless than you. If you can’t handle it, then no one can.  
If you just feel lonely always remember, I love you and miss you and wherever I am, I think of you.  
I have to stop now, you are calling for dinner. 

 

Love you!

Tony’

Gibbs had sunken to the floor of his basement as he had read the letter. Tony’s words gave him a feeling of warmth and strength but also left him here feeling more lonely and smashed than ever. He needed Tony and even if he knew he was found the uncertainty if Tony was living or dying, nearly killed him.  
He loved him, loved him as much as he had loved Shannon.  
His grip around the cup with bourbon tightened and he drowned the golden liquid in one gulp. His still smashed basement looked back at him like a memorial of a broken life. His broken life. 

No, he wasn’t okay and, if Tony died, never would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your support this year and I hope I could bring a bit of joy to you with my storys. Anyway it was a pleasure to write for all of you! Thank you very much!
> 
> I wish all of you a magical Christmas season and a Happy New Year!


	7. Bruised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay... Take me back please... I'm coming to you on my knees...  
> I know it took a while...sorry, sorry,sorry... I hope you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> Thanks for all your comments. I'm still amazed about all of them. <3
> 
> I urgently need an idea to end this story... so let me know what you would like to read. 
> 
> comments would be wonderful...

She listened to the tune in her ear. On the other side of the line the phone only rang two times before she heard the familiar voice. 

 

“Gibbs.” The voice was gruff and sounded annoyed.

 

“Hey Jethro.” Margaret said calmly and heard him breathing in deeply. “Do I bother you?”

 

“No, Mags. Glad to hear you.” He sighed. 

 

“Did you hear the news?” She said slowly sensing Jethro's mood wasn’t the best at all.

 

“Yeah, I did. Do you have more information than this stupid Calls Officer?” He asked and his voice held undertones of exhaustion and defeat. Mags instantly worried about his condition. 

 

“I don’t think so. Just that he was found badly injured.” Her throat tightened and she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. 

 

“Same here.” The answer was bitter and fear creeped up her spine. 

 

“Jethro, you alright?” She asked thinking of his broken and bloody hands as she first met him.

 

“Yeah. I’m okay.” But his voice didn’t convince her. 

 

“Do you want to come visit for a while?” She suggested, ”I would come but I can’t leave the kids alone.” Margaret prayed for him to take the offer not only for his sake but for hers as well. She needed him as badly as she supposed he needed her right now. 

 

“I can’t.” Her heart sank and she heard him drawing in a deep breath again. “I would love to but I really can’t. Tough case and I can’t leave them alone with it.” Mags sighed and fidgeted with the hem of her arm rest. 

 

“You are always welcome in my house.” He stopped and gulped audibly before he went on. “And so are your kids.” She smiled as he remembered his dislike for children and felt a warmth rise within her at the display of fondness Jethro was showing. 

 

“Thanks, dear. I might take your offer during school holidays.” She returned softly. 

 

“I have to go, now.” Mags shivered at the mix of sadness and defeat in his voice. 

 

“You really okay?” Margaret asked again, concerned.

“Yeah.” Jethro answered and hung up. 

 

She leaned back in her arm chair staring into space. Thinking. 

Margaret had the strong intuition that Jethro wasn’t okay, even though he denied it, and felt the urgent need to be with him.

Mark could be on his own for a week. He actually would be glad to be out of her reach for a few days. But that was quite normal for a seventeen year old boy and Alex could stay with his friend Max for a few days. This would only leave Noah. 

She couldn’t leave him alone. Not at the moment. The toddler was cranky and very clingy, as if he sensed the loss of his dad. 

Her eyes watered at the thought and tears ran down her cheeks. 

No, she wouldn’t give him to anyone else. So if she did fly to DC, Noah had to come with her. 

 

*/*

  
His limbs felt heavy and his body hurt. He wasn’t exactly fond of being awake but the nightmares made sleep even worse. He was laying on the hospital cot with nothing left than his own thoughts. Thoughts he didn’t want to have. Thoughts he didn’t want to acknowledge. All he could think about was Liam’s dead eyes in front of him and the sad little smile before he died. It tore him apart that he wasn't able to save him. 

 

“Lieutenant. You are awake.” A nurse smiled at him and Tony cursed himself. Normally he pretended to be at sleep as soon as he heard someone coming. He didn't want nor need company right now. “That’s good. How do you feel?”

 

Tony groaned inwardly. ‘My bones are smashed, I was tortured by a sick bastard who shoot one of my best friends right in front of me, I’m bruised and nearly starved to death after we could flee in the god forsaken middle of nowhere, how should I supposed to feel, hu?’ 

“I’m okay as long as you are here.” He answered with an easy grin on his face and winked at her. 

 

Her smile became bigger as she started to change the dressings. His eyes fell on his many wounds and the memories how he had gotten them overwhelmed his mind. He pressed his eyes shut and desperately tried to recall the short weeks with Jethro to calm down. It worked, eventually.

As he opened his eyes again the nurse looked worried at him. 

 

“I can’t see my own blood, so I always close my eyes preventively. “ He lied easily and saw with satisfaction that she believed him. 

 

“I thought, I hurt you.” She let out a sigh of relief. 

 

“The only thing hurting me was that I couldn’t see your pretty face.” The flirting came automatically but he didn’t even feel a little bit. He could see her blush and cursed himself again for not pretending to be a sleep. 

 

“Lieutenant, it seems you are quite fit.” The nurse let her eyelashes flutter and Tony groaned inwardly again. He didn’t want her attention but years of flirting as a mask for protection made it an unconscious habit. 

 

Tony tried to sit up more as Trapper entered his tent. The doctor scrutinized him as if he was part of a freak show. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and flinched unbidden. 

 

“You okay, Troops?” Trapper rushed towards him and Tony rolled his eyes. 

 

“Yeeah. I’m fine! It just hurts a little, if I move.” He smiled at the doctor.

 

“That’s quite normal, regarding the broken ribs. Who is the rest, though?” Trapper inspected the wounds and casts on his arm and leg. 

 

“Shouldn’t you tell me? You are the doc.” Tony grinned as Trapper rolled his eyes. The time as one of the best undercover agents came in as handy as his ability to fool everyone with his smile, to cover up his real condition. He didn’t want to talk and he didn’t want to see the pitty on the faces around him. He just wanted to be out of bed and… and what else he wasn’t sure. Preferably, fling himself into Gibbs’ arms but if this was going to happen…

 

“TROOPS?” Trapper shook him softly.

 

“Uh?” Tony looked slightly annoyed.

 

“I asked if you can move your fingers? Everything okay?” Trapper looked concerned down at him.

 

“Yeah, still everything okay. I was just in thoughts.” Now Tony was rolling his eyes. He hated this question. No, he wasn’t okay but what the hell would it help to tell them. They couldn’t change what had happened and they surely couldn’t understand what he had seen and felt. So there was no sense in talking. 

 

He wiggled with his fingers looking out of the cast and said, “See I can move them. Otherwise how could I wave at all the cute nurses around here.” Trapper laughed and the nurse made a face at Tony. 

 

“I can see you are the old Troops.” Trapper patted his shoulder. “The moment we are sure you can be transported safely, you are going back home. But the internal bleedings just stopped so I didn’t want to risk a new disruption of the weak tissue.” 

 

“That’s good. Home sounds good.” Tony flashed his brilliant smile at Trapper, even though he didn’t know where home was and where he should go. Pendleton wasn’t home, never had been. DC was more home than every other place he had been living in but was he welcome there again?

 

“Meanwhile I have several exercises for you so your muscles get rebuilt. Thank god you already have put a bit weight on, but man, you look lousy!”

 

“Oh, thank you so much!” His fake hurt face had the nurse and doctor laughing out loud. Tony sighed low and resigned to his fate, listening to the instructions Trapper gave him.

 

*/*

 

‘I’m coming to DC on Saturday. I’m only bringing Noah with me. Can you pick me up at the airport? XO Mags’

 

‘Looking forward to it. I’ll see what I can do. If I can’t, I’ll send one.’

 

*/*

 

Gibbs was standing at the airport watching the crowd spill out of the gates. His mood was slightly better than the last days, looking forward to meeting Mags again. She was a welcoming distraction from work and the nagging fear of losing Tony completely. 

 

“Jethro!” He saw her waving at him and a small smile appeared on his face. She had Noah on her hip and her suitcase next to her. He rushed over to them. Mags pulled him into a careful hug and he kissed her cheek. “Good to see you, Mags.”

 

She smiled at him fondly as he patted the toddler's head. “Hey boy.”

Noah wiggled around and opened his arms to get taken by him. Gibbs hesitated but gave in as the little boy got slightly cranky. Noah sparked a hurricane of emotions within him. 

He sighed as he settled him on his hip and took Mags suitcase. He felt his heart beating in his throat as Noah lay his head on Gibbs’ shoulder. The boy silently watched the hustle around them as they made their way to Gibbs’ Challenger. 

 

“I’ll drop you off at my home. I need to go back to work, I’ll be back late. Make yourselves comfortable. The guest room is on the first floor, right hand. I have off tomorrow.” Gibbs informed Mags as they drove into the city. 

 

“We will be fine.” She smiled at him and placed her hand on his. The warmth of her touch let something in his mind settle and he thanked god that Mags had actually made her way to DC. 

 

*/*

 

She watched the car vanish into the distance and turned to look at Jethro’s home. It looked nice. It needed a woman’s touch but otherwise it was nice. She walked up the stairs with Noah on her hand, in the other her suitcase.

The door wasn’t locked. Margaret smiled. The more time she spent with Jethro, the more she noticed the small things Tony had adopted from him. It seemed as if they were kind of reminders of the boy. 

Margaret entered the hall and put down her case. Noah was already running around and inspecting the new surrounding. 

Her gaze landed on the photos on the mantelpiece and she walked over to have a closer look. The people on the pictures seemed as if there were not only friends but a kind of family and among them Tony. It must have been hard to leave them behind and be left behind by him. She saw Tony’s official army photo and to the right a picture of a young Jethro next to a girl and a toddler on his arm. 

Mags studied the photo. She couldn’t see new pictures of the red-haired girl or the toddler. She had a bad feeling about it. This might explain his dislike for children... Was it even dislike? He had said he was not into them but he was kind and loving, had a good way with them. At least with Noah. Margaret was sure there was a story behind it, probably a sad story.  

 

“ungry!” Noah tugged on her pants, pulling her out of her thoughts. 

 

“Oh, of course, sweetie.” She smiled down at him. “It is way past time for you. We will see what uncle Jethro has in the fridge.”

 

“ICE!” Noah screamed in joy and ran into the already discovered kitchen.

 

“No. You need something proper.” Mags followed him into the next room.

 

“No, ice.” Noah demanded. 

 

“Maybe you could asked uncle Jethro if we can go for an ice tomorrow, okay?”

 

“‘kay. peebatta?” Noah looked asking at her.

 

“Let’s see if we find some peanut butter and jelly.” Mags said as she roamed through the cupboards. Jethro must have done the grocery shopping especially for them. The cupboards were full and she even spotted a box of Lucky Charms. She started to laugh at the thought of Jethro sitting in his kitchen munching Lucky Charms. 

 

“What funny?” Noah looked curious at her and she pulled out the peanut butter. “Nothing, sweetie. Nana is making dinner now.” 

 

She made some sandwiches and they ate them with delight.  

 

As they finished their dinner it was time to bring Noah to bed. She walked to the stairs to find them being secured with supposedly handmade safety gates. Mags smiled and shook her head. No, Jethro didn’t dislike children. 

 

She took Noah by the hand and walked slowly up the stairs. They entered the room to their right and Mags gaze fell on a nicely built toddler bed next to a normal sized one. It was simple and looked old. She guessed it was the bed of the little girl on the photo. 

 

Noah climbed on the bed and looked at her. “My?” 

 

“Yes, sweetie. That’s yours.” Noah squealed and flung himself into the cushions. 

 

“We first have to clean our teeth, boy.” Mags demanded strictly.

 

The night routine was as difficult as always. Noah didn’t like to wash his face and clean his teeth. But finally she had him in bed and he was sound asleep in no time. No wonder after this exciting day.

 

Mags went down into the living room and sighed. She had expected it would take longer to get him to sleep in a foreign house but it seemed as if everything was different if Jethro was involved. 

She turned on the tv and settled for a nice action-thriller. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, as well. 

 

*/*

 

Gibbs saw the tv flickering through his windows. For a split second he thought he would find Tony sleeping on his couch waiting for him to come home from work. 

But as he walked into his hall he realised Tony was gone. Badly injured in a hospital bed somewhere far away. Anger rose within him again and he cursed himself.

 

He still had to smile as he saw Mags sleeping, while Bruce Willis was firing round in a hassle. He shrugged off his jacket and turned the tv off. 

Gibbs walked up the stairs to check on Noah like he always had with Kelly. To see the little boy in her bed hurt him but he still went on to tugg him in. Noah tossed and turned mumbling incoherent sounds. 

 

“Night, little boy.” He whispered as he stroked his head. 

 

He was about to walk out of the room as Noah started to cry. Gibbs heart sank as he sat down next to him. “Shhh, it’s all fine.” 

He took the toddler into his arms and rocked him genty. Gibbs felt his arms around his neck as Noah cuddled his head into the crook of his neck. He got up and walked slowly up and down the room, remembering that Kelly had calmed down quickly every time he did this. He started to hum low and Noah calmed immediately. It didn’t take long and the little boy was back to sleep. 

Gibbs placed him back into bed and sighed. 

 

God. This teared wounds open he had tried to forget about. He thought he would never ever have a child in his house again, and avenue be the one taking care of it. He missed Kelly. And he missed Shannon. 

 

“Shan, please. If you are up there send me strength to survive this nightmare.” He whispered towards the ceiling.  

 

“Hey, Jethro.” Mags greeted him softly from the doorstep. 

 

“Mags.” He rubbed his neck feeling caught.

 

“I hope we aren’t the nightmare.” She smiled slightly as if she already knew they weren’t.

 

“No.”  He looked at her and wondered if Shan could be this fast.  Mags slipped her arm under his and maneuvered him out of the room and down stairs. He felt kind of safe and not on his own for the first time in ages. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mags asked after she had placed him on his couch and brought him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a beer. 

 

“About what?” Gibbs asked bewildered by the question and the service. 

 

*/*

 

McGee was walking down the street of his neighborhood as he saw a familiar silver-haired head on the other side of the street. What was Gibbs doing here? 

He was about to cross the street to say ‘hello’ as Gibbs turned his back on him. 

Tim was plain stunned. 

There was a toddler sitting on Gibbs’ hip, one hand absentmindedly fondling with his silver hair. His boss turned to the side and took an ice cone out of an older woman's hand and kissed her cheek in return. 

If he wouldn’t know better he would have guessed grandparents took their grandson for an ice out. He stared at the scene with open mouth. 

 

What the hell? Did Gibbs had a new lover or was this just a friend of him? 

 

The strange group walked down the street and took a seat on a nearby bench. Tim made sure he could not be seen as he observed them. 

Gibbs placed the toddler on his lap and handed him the cone. The older woman sat down next to them, close next to them. So they had to be somehow intimate with each other. 

Tim watched the toddler eating the ice in joy. Gibbs was helping with the melted ice stream and the older woman was talking to his boss. 

 

As the little boy was ready, the older woman took the rest and threw it away. As she returned Gibbs placed his arm around her and she leaned into him, placing a hand on his thigh. Gibbs turned to the little boy and asked him something. The toddler started to laugh and nodded his head joyfully. Gibbs’ smile was relaxed and honest. 

 

Tim pulled out his phone and took a picture of the surreal scene. No one would believe him without this proof. 

 

*/*

 

Ben was pleased to see Troops recover more and more. His condition slowly got better and he was scheduled to go home in a week. Ben could see his movements improving and the bruises slowly became green. The only thing concerning him was the fact that Troops didn’t talk about the events. He still had no idea how he had freed himself and what had happened between his capture and the arrival here.

 

Ben watched his friend sitting on his cot and decided to risk it. “Troops? We need to talk about the events of the op.”

 

“Why?” Troops gaze was hard as if to warn him.

 

“I need to write the report.” ‘And I want to know what happened.’ Ben smiled apologizing at him. Troops slowly nodded. 

 

“We got under fire. Must have been a sniper. Lima went down. As we were about to proceed, the enemy came out of the woods. Round about 20 men. I gave the order to retreat and stayed behind to distract the enemy, Liam was supposed to bring the boys back home. I got injured and captured. Sabri Ben Abul Hadad tortured me for information. He also killed Liam. I got to free myself and four others. We could escape into the mountains and hide there till the CSAR-team came.” Troops eyes were closed up and cold. 

 

“How could you free yourself?” Ben asked softly.

 

“I killed him.” His voice was emotionlessly.

 

“Okay. How did you break your bones?”

 

“Sabri.” Troops focused on him for the first time. “All targets are eliminated. Order executed.” 

 

“All targets?” Ben was surprised. None of the others even mentioned the dead of the targets.

 

“All.” Troops nodded and lay back down. 

 

“Tell me about it.” Ben demanded softly. 

 

“No. Isn’t it enough that they are dead?” He stared at the cotton of the tent. 

 

“I need details. What happened?” 

 

“I KILLED THEM!” Troops pressed his eyes close. “THAT’S IT. You should leave now, I’m tired.” 

 

Ben looked at his friend in concern. This wasn’t the Troops he knew but how should he? Ben was sure Tony had seen horrible things and perhaps did unsettling things as well. He sighed and got to his feet.

 

“Just remember Tony, I’m here for you. You are not alone.” 

 

Silence.


	8. Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know... it took way to lang, once more... but at least I'm still working on it... :D
> 
> Love you all!

Abby was sitting in her lab, watching the program on her screen as Tim burst in, wrenching Cait along. 

 

“I have to talk to you. You won’t believe it. You just won’t but I have evidence!” Tim bubbled as Cait finally wrestled her arm out of his grip. 

 

“What are you talking about, Timmy?” Abby asked as she looked curiously at her friends.

 

“I don’t know what got into him. He's like this since he came in and then he dragged me down here saying this again and again.” Cait rolled her eyes while Tim was fidgeting with his phone. 

 

“I saw Gibbs! In town.” He exclaimed.

 

“That wouldn’t be exactly what I expected now, Tim. The bossman is living in this town and I’m sure he sometimes leaves his basement.” Abby quipped and Cait looked even more annoyed.

 

“No! No! You won’t believe it!” He turned his phone to show them a photo. “I saw this.” 

Abby stared at the stunning picture. Gibbs with a toddler on his lap and an older woman in his arm. What the hell?

 

“What do you say?” McGee asked, obviously impatient. 

 

“Do you know who she is?” Cait asked narrowing her eyes at the phone. 

 

“No. Maybe a new lover and her grandson?” He glanced at Abby. 

 

“They do look intimate.” Cait nodded but Abby couldn’t believe this. After her talk with Tim about Gibbs and Tony she had become very certain that her bossman and Tony really had a relationship-thing going on. 

 

“No.” She said slowly, focusing on Tim’s eyes. “There must be some other connection between them. I can’t imagine that _ this  _ is his new lover.” 

 

“What do you have in mind, Abs?” Cait asked thoughtful. 

 

“I don’t know but I’m absolutely certain she is not his lover.” She replied as her eyes went back to Tim’s. He nodded in understanding.

 

“How can you be so sure?” Cait asked still eyeing the picture. 

 

“I can sense it.” Abby answered. She didn’t want to share their presumption about Gibbs’ real lover with her. Not at the moment. She was sure Cait would understand eventually and accept the couple but it wasn’t on her to tell Cait and there still was the possibility of being wrong, after all.

 

“Mhhh, and what about the boy?” Tim jumped in.

 

“I don’t know maybe her grandson?” Abby suggested.

 

“Yeah, but look at them. It looked more like  _ his  _ grandson or something and you should have seen how the boy was sitting on his hip. He even caressed the back of his head.” He went on with excitement.

 

“Well, this wouldn’t be so unnatural. People often caress their children.” Cait mentioned with a teasing smile.

 

“No, the boy caressed Gibbs’ head. Can you imagine it?” Tim still sounded unbelieving. As if even the thought of it made him run and hide. “Our Gibbs. This grumpy, scary Gibbs of ours. With his momentary mood and his loss of temper is caressed by a toddler and sits relaxed on a bench eating ice cream as if they were a little family.” 

 

“You have a point there!” Cait said. “That’s what irritated me all along. He looks relaxed. He even smiles. I haven't seen him smile since… since Tony left again.” She frowned. Abby knew Cait also had a huge fight with Tim about not telling her Tony had been in DC. The death glare of her let Tim jump slightly. 

 

“We really have to find out who she is!” Abby said, thinking about the possible answers. 

 

“My mother-in-law.” Gibbs voice let all three wince immediately. Abby smiled slyly at him, while Tim and Cait avoided his eyes, finding big interest in the different things scattered around the lab.

 

“So you have a mother-in-law?” Abby asked and Gibbs growled in return. 

 

“The next time you hide behind a van to observe me, I shoot you, McGee!” He glared at Tim and got a wide-eyed nod in return.

 

“And when you are finished gossiping about my private life, would you be so kind and go back to your fucking work?” Gibbs grumbled way softer than Abby would have expected it in his current mood, even though he yelled the last few words. 

A pain stabbed through her as she suddenly became aware again of Tony being badly injured and her gaze became soft as she saw Gibbs glaring at his agents. If he really was in love with Tony, it had to be hell for him. 

Tim and Cait left the lab in hurry when Gibbs turned to her.

 

“What have you got, Abs?” He asked grumpily.

 

“A question.” She felt his intense and warning gaze on her. “Who is the sweet little boy?”

 

Gibbs narrowed his eyes and simply said, ”Noah.” 

Abby wasn’t satisfied with his answer but sensed it wouldn’t turn out well if she’d press on now. She had thinking to do, anyway. As far as she knew Tony’s mother had died when Tony was young. This mother-in-law smashed their whole theory but still it just felt right and would explain so many things. 

 

“Abby… What. Have. You. Got?” Gibbs interrupted her train of thoughts. She eyed him for a second and spilled her results. As Gibbs left her lab only slightly satisfied with her discoveries, she turned towards the photos on her shelf. 

 

“So Tony, spill! What’s this with you and the bossman?” But as always picture-Tony remained silent. “Oh, don’t play dumb with me, mister! I will figure it out anyway!” She took the picture in hand and settled on her chair.

 

“Oh Tony, if you could see Gibbs. He is a grumpy, scary wrack. Something is badly bothering him and I think it has to do with you. I wish I would know, so I could be there for him but you know him. He doesn't allow anyone to help. I wish I would know how you are. I’m scared and I miss you badly.” She blinked away a few tears. “I’ll never forgive you if you are dieing! So you better come back home alive! For all of us.” 

 

She placed the picture back on the shelf and turned to her work.

 

*/*

 

Tony couldn’t believe that he was home. It had been so surreal as he was wheeled out of the plane and brought straight to the Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton. The all so familiar surrounding stood in sharp contrast to his state of mind. 

He had mostly suppressed and avoided the memory of those last two month, had held on to the time spent with Gibbs, to the good years. But seeing the base flying by through the windows, seeing all the familiar buildings and streets unsettled him immensely. 

It was so familiar but so different and wrong at the same time.

 

He stared out of the window of his room, watching the hustle down in the yard. It seemed so peaceful, so innocent. 

A knock on the door pulled him out of the rumbling chaos in his mind. 

 

“Lieutenant DiNozzo? You have a visitor.” A blond nurse poked her head around the door. 

 

“I’ve already said I don’t want any visitors.” His voice was even for his ears unnecessarily hard and angry as he turned. 

 

“I know but it’s Commander Seaton.” She looked shily at Tony, while he couldn’t suppress to straighten his tracksuit. What the hell was the Commander of the base doing here?

 

“He can come in.” Tony answered as he tried to sit up straighter in the wheelchair. He hated that thing but because of the injuries to his torso and arm he couldn’t use crutches.

 

The older man entered the room and Troops immediately saluted. The Brigade General returned his salute and automatically said, “At ease.” and as automatically as his counterpart Troops relaxed a bit in his chair. 

 

“So, son, how are you?” Seaton asked as he looked at him with friendly eyes. 

 

“Fine, Sir.” Troops answered without hesitation. Tony’s mask solid on his face. 

 

“That’s good. I’m glad to see you in such good shape.” Seaton smiled down at him and he felt bile rise in his throat.

 

“Yes, Sir.” 

 

“How is your recovery process going?” 

 

“Good, Sir.” Troops had the strong feeling the General was feeling kind of lost or awkward. 

 

“Fine, son.” Seaton was watching him intensely.

 

“Sir, if you don’t mind the question but why are you here? Normally you don’t visit injured soldiers, like me.” Troops eyed him back.

 

“I heard about your…” The General stopped for a second, as if he didn’t know how to put it. “...bravery. Major Richards insisted on a promotion and put you in for a medal. After I read his report I thought I should stop by and talk to you.” Seaton smiled. 

 

Tony felt even more bail rise to his throat and sickness conquered his body full force. 

 

“I’m not the brave man.” He swallowed hard. 

 

“I read different things and I’m proud to tell yo-” Tony grabbed the trashcan next to him and vomited noisily. 

 

“Are you alright, son?” Seaton came over and patted his back making Tony even more gag. He nodded and the General reached for a glass of water on Tony’s nightstand, to hand it to him.

 

“Thank you, Sir. I’m sorry.” Troops said as he had regained his control. 

 

“Nothing to apologize for, son.” The General smiled gently. “I’m still impressed that you are holding up this well.” 

 

Troops watched him silently. 

 

“What I was about to say is: I promote you to the rank of a Captain.” Seaton patted his shoulder. “Congratulations Captain DiNozzo.” 

 

Troops smiled proudly, even though he felt the sickness rising again. 

 

“The official ceremony is scheduled in a few days. I’ll let you know when exactly.” Seaton patted his shoulder, once more. “I’m proud of you, son. You did well.” With this, he turned and left Tony’s room. 

 

Tony felt a droplet running down his cheek as he still stared at the closed door of his room. As he wiped away the drop he noticed he was crying. 

 

*/*

 

‘Tony is home. Still in hospital. No visitors allowed. I’ll text you as soon as I know more. XO Mags’

 

Gibbs stared at his phone. Home. Alive. 

He sagged back on his sawhorse. Letting one of Tony’s letters slip through his fingers, eyes fixed on the few words of Mags’ text as the paper slowly floated to the ground. 

 

*/*

 

‘Next plane Saturday.’

 

‘No visitors allowed at the moment. It wouldn’t make sense right now. You do better in DC!’

 

‘I’m coming!’

 

‘Jethro…’

 

‘Fine.’

 

‘I let you know. Keep working. It’ll distract you. XO’

 

*/*

 

‘Something new? ’

 

‘No, I’m still not allowed to visit.’

 

‘Let me know than.’

 

‘ASAP. But Jethro, he will be fine. I’m sure. XO’

 

*/*

 

‘Doc said he is doing well. I still can’t visit. ’

 

‘It has been two weeks now. I’m coming over, ASAP.’

 

‘You know I would be glad but even you can’t glare your way into his room.’

 

‘I can.’

 

‘Yeah, probably you can.’

 

*/*

 

Gibbs walked up the stairs of his home. He felt exhausted and longed for a drink. The current case was an arduous one and they hadn’t had a day off for two weeks. As he opened his door a familiar sense filled his nose. He closed his eyes and groaned. He thought the time was over were  _ his  _ sense lingered in his bed and the cotton of his couch. It made his heart clench. Especially since he hadn’t gotten any further news than the texts from Mags.

He moved on and hung up his coat as a low voice said, “Hi.”

 

Gibbs turned slowly on his heels. Tony was standing in the entrance to his living room. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Gibbs stared at him, taking in the sight. It really was Tony. He was standing in his A classes with new insignias on his shoulders, right in front of him. In his house. Bruised and bandaged but alive. In his house.

 

“Oh god, hon!” He rushed towards Tony and pulled him into his arms. “Hon! I can’t believe… God… finally you are home.” Tony buried his face in the crook of his neck and breathed deeply. Gibbs’ mind was empty and overloaded at the same time, as his hand came up to the back of Tony’s head, burying the fingers in the short hair. Tony’s hands grasped the cotton of his shirt and Gibbs felt Tony’s fingernails dig in his back but he didn't care. Tony was home and that was all that mattered right now. 

 

“I’m so sorry, love! It was all my fault. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” Tony mumbled into Gibbs neck. 

 

“You are home, that’s all I care about!” Gibbs caressed the back of Tony’s head and tried to keep his emotions in check. The sudden appearance of him nearly took him off his feet. 

Tony pulled back and looked him deep in the eye.

 

“Semper fi, love!” 

 

Gibbs leaned in and slowly brushed his lips over Tony’s. He was finally home.  _ They _ were finally home, again. Gibbs deepened the kiss and heard Tony moan. 

 

“Semper fi, hon!” He whispered against Tony’s lips and tried to kiss the smile on them away.

 

He forced himself to let go of Tony. His green eyes lock with Gibbs’ and he nearly choked on the sight. In the green there was love and longing but there was more. The usual sparkle, Gibbs had gotten so used to, had vanished and underneath the emotions displayed, lingered something else. Something hard. Gibbs couldn’t find any words to express it. He gulped.

 

“I missed you, love.” Tony’s voice was low and he looked away. 

 

“I missed you, too.” Gibbs pulled him close again. Feeling an urgent need to sooth him, even though he had no obvious reason. 

 

“What do you think, dinner and bed?” Gibbs asked.

 

“If you don’t mind let’s skip the dinner. I’m still a bit exhausted.” Tony mumbled into his shoulder.

 

“Sure. Are you okay?” Concern invaded Gibbs’ system with a vengeance as he remembered the words Black had said to him. He backed away again to eye Tony. He saw the bruises on his face and the cast on his arm and felt anger rise within him. 

 

“I’m fine. Just tired.” Tony said but Gibbs could see his jaw tighten, even though he hid it beneath his brilliant smile. 

Tony turned and limped towards the stairs and all Gibbs could do was admiring the dignity he had even though he was limping. 

 

After they settled into bed Gibbs was lying next to Tony, propped up on one elbow and softly caressing the naked skin of his chest. He saw the muscles tense and relax under his touch and he saw all the new scars, the yellow bruises and the scabbed wounds. It hurt to see him like this. The injuries, Gibbs could see, told a rather nasty story and the way Tony’s eyes were hard and sad let him fear the answer to his burning question.

 

“What happened, hon?” Gibbs traced a long scar on Tony’s side. 

 

“Nothing!” Tony answered immediately and turned away. Gibbs felt Tony’s body tense under his palm. “I don’t want to talk about it, so please stop asking.” 

 

“I can understand that but keep in mind that you can always talk to me, if you need to.” Gibbs placed a kiss on the side of Tony’s neck. He slid one arm under his neck and the other over his torso. “Good night, hon. I love you.”

 

“Love ya, too.”

 

Gibbs slipped into his dreams shortly after he heard Tony’s breath evening, thanking god again for bringing him home alive.

 

*/*

 

~He was looking into the dark eyes of Sabri. This bastard was going to die, there was no doubt even if it was the last thing he did. He just had to be patient. For sure there would come a chance to free himself and then this fucking asshole would die. 

 

“I did got informed that you friends are coming.” Sabri smiled. 

 

“Hopefully they don’t kill you. It would be my pleasure to do it myself.” Troops returned.

 

“I really likes you my friend.” The eyes of Sabri sparkled with amusement. “We will, how do you call it... move? I saw a nice summer house for you.” 

 

He was on a loading area of an old truck. His hands still bound and an angry looking fella with a rifle watching him closely. He slid around on the loading area as the truck moved at neck-breaking speed through the desert. There was nothing to hold on to and he bumped hard against the metal walls of the truck. Troops could see some of the surrounding through the ripped canvas covers. 

Every now and then he slid along a sharp edge on the floor of the truck, trying to cut the ropes on it. But mostly he cut his hands and wrists instead of the rope.

His body felt numb and all the wounds and injuries let his strength fade away. In the last days he had gotten used to the pain and numbness the torture provided but the renewed pain caused by this ride made him struggle with his will to live. 

 

He was thrown into a new room with clay walls. No smell of vomit or excrements. At least at the moment. He felt his warm blood running down his hands but the bonds were less tight now. He was tired. He was ready to die. Except for one thing. Sabri had to come with him. 

~~~

Sabri fixed his gaze on him and Troops could see the sick enjoyment in his eyes. “No, I will-”

 

“How bad. Just too late.” Sabri pulled the trigger and Troops could see a sad smile on Liam’s face as he said, “Bye, Troo-” 

He sagged to the ground, blood seeping out of his head and soaking the sandy ground.

 

“NO, NO! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” He struggled hard to free himself, tears running down his cheeks as he yelled on top of his lungs.

  
  


“Hon. Hon. TONY!” Gibbs voice registered in his brain. “Tony, you are home. It’s all good. You are home.” Tony still tried to free his hands, kicking and shouting even more now that Gibbs was in the hut as well. ~

 

“No, not you. No.” He yelled and suddenly two lips were pressed to his. Warm and perfect. It was just right. The touch let the panic and fear calm down.

 

“Open your eyes, hon.” Gibbs said calmly and loving and Tony obeyed like he always had. 

 

*/*

 

Gibbs lay awake next to Tony after his nightmare, watching, protecting him in his uneasy sleep. God, Tony had had nightmares before. About the war, the men he lost, the battles he had fought but nothing like this. Tony had kicked and punched, yelled at an invisible bastard and Gibbs wasn’t able to wake him up. Even as Tony was looking at him with sleepy eyes he wasn’t entirely awake but it had calmed him down. 

 

Gibbs suppressed the unbidden suspicion nagging at him as to what was Tony’s condition. He would be by his side all the way but if Tony needed help he had to start it on his own. Gibbs recognised the signs he didn’t want to see. Recognised the way Tony deflected to questions and he saw the suppressed emotions in his eyes. 

He pulled Tony closer in a desperate attempt to take off his burden. He wanted to smooth all his pain away, to turn back the time and prevent all what lay behind him from happening. He carefully caressed his lover's belly. His eyes were mapping all the new scars while his head formed a possible story around them. Gibbs shivered at those thoughts and moved even closer, nuzzling his head into the crook of Tony’s neck. 

 

“God, hon. If I just could take it off of you.” Gibbs whispered. He had failed. He hadn’t protect the one he loved. Again. Although Tony hadn't died, he wasn’t alive either. Why wasn’t he able to protect him? Why wasn’t he able to protect Shannon and Kelly? All his life he had tried so hard and always failed. And in this case he would have to watch Tony go down. He would have to see him hit rock bottom and he could do nothing but stay and watch. Fear and anger creeped up his spine and he tried to focus on Tony’s breathing to calm down.

 

As Shannon and Kelly had died, Gibbs was devastated and with no reason to life but at least he was sure no one and nothing could harm them anymore, they were save. 

Tony wasn’t. 

Tony was and would be haunted by the nightmares and flashbacks. He still was a Marine, would perhaps even return overseas. Not if he could prevent it. But still, it was possible. 

 

Tony stirred in his arm and Gibbs braced himself for another nightmare, another yelling and fighting Tony in his arms. 

 

But Tony just pushed Gibbs on his back and rested his head on his chest, curling along his side. The weight of Tony’s plastered arm placed across his stomach was unfamiliar but kind of grounding. 

 

“Ya awake, hon?” Gibbs asked low.

 

“Mhhh.” Tony kissed his chest where he could reach, working his way up to his neck. Gibbs tightened his arms around him letting the warmth of the other fill his insides. He pushed away all his concern and let the glee of Tony being home take its place. He closed his eyes and relished the touch on his skin and the scent filling his nose. Tony was home. And for now this was all he wanted to think about.

 

Tony nibbled at his jaw and Gibbs couldn’t suppress a low groan. He felt Tony smile against his cheek, kissing it with sloppy little pecks. 

In one smooth movement Gibbs turned them around, hovering over Tony, smiling. 

 

“Good monin’, hon.” 

 

“Monin’, love.” Gibbs saw Tony’s eye twinkle with happiness.

 

He bent down and slowly let his lips touch the ones in front of him. The kiss was slow and loving, he tried to put all he had into that one touch. Love, regret, hope, fear, sorrow, happiness, longing, everything he felt and even more.

 

He felt exposed and embarrassed revealing so much, knowing Tony could always read him so fucking well. 

 

Gibbs pulled back and asked, “Are you hungry?” His voice kind of grumpy.

 

“Mhhh, but not interested in food.” He smiled at Gibbs with lust-filled eyes and started to suck on his neck, again. Gibbs moaned and pressed his half hard cock into Tony’s hip, thankful for the distraction. 

 

He felt Tony’s hard length on his thigh and licked his lips in anticipation. 

 

“God, hon!” He groaned as Tony sucked and nibbled on his neck and his good hand caressed over his back to his ass. 

 

Gibbs rubbed his thigh over the bulge in Tony’s boxers, coaxing an unbelievably sexy noise from him. Causing his own cock to stand at attention immediately, twitching in need. 

He slowly kissed down Tony’s chest, finding his right nipple. He sucked and licked the hardening nub until Tony squirmed beneath him. Gibbs slowly made his way down to Tony’s groin, letting his lips caress the soft but bruised skin. With a short swift movement he freed Tony’s arousal. It was as perfect as he remembered. 

He licked along the shaft, as Tony’s hand took a hold in his hair. The slight tug of his hand made Gibbs cock jump and his mouth longed for the feel and taste of Tony’s length. He closed his lips around the leaking tip and moaned in pleasure as he tasted Tony the first time for so long. His tongue slid over the smooth surface while he moved his lips up and down Tony’s arousal.

 

“Ahhh… fuck… love… don’t… god…” Tony moaned, fisting his hair even more. Gibbs sucked Tony deep in and couldn’t suppress a smile as he wiggled under his touch even more. He licked up his shaft again and worked his way back up the bruised body. 

Tony made a small sound of protest but relaxed as he heard Gibbs opening the nightstand drawer, while sucking on Tony’s neck. 

Gibbs fished the lube out and started to kiss Tony’s body back down. He settled back between Tony’s legs and licked the soft skin of his inner thighs, while he prepared his fingers. He let his digits slowly wander down behind Tony’s balls and between his cheeks. He felt the tight ring of muscles flex under his fingertips as he let them explore. 

 

Tony’s hand had found the way back into his hair and directed his mouth back to his cock. Gibbs smiled as he nuzzled at the base of Tony’s arousal and heard a sound of disappointment from Tony. He gave in and sucked his cock in as his finger pressed carefully into the tight opening.

 

“Yeah, love, fuck me!” Tony groaned deep, pressing his head deep into the pillows, eyes squeezed shut as his hips arched up. Gibbs let his lips run up and down the shaft, humming in approval at the taste and feeling. His finger slowly worked Tony open. Now and then hitting his prostate, making Tony sequim with need and lust. 

 

He added a second digit, stretching Tony more and more. His fingers slid in and out in the same pace his mouth was working Tony’s length. He watched the face twisting in painful pleasure, buried deep in the cushions. Lips parted, designer stubble, eyes still shut. God, was he beautiful like this. 

 

“I can’t… last much longer, please.” Tony begged and Gibbs added the third finger, coaxing a needy moan from him. He scissored Tony open, stretched him patiently, even though his own cock demanded attention, violently. Tony’s hand made his head stop, pulling him away from his arousal. 

 

“Stop! Stop… I’m gonna…” 

 

He focused on Tony’s abs flexing under his touch. He kissed every muscle of Tony’s stomach, following the lines between them with his tongue, while his fingers still worked Tony open. The memory of a sweating Tony in the morning sun, only wearing his uniform-pants, hit him hard and Gibbs growled deeply as he couldn’t hold back any more. He claimed Tony’s mouth, claimed his man.  _ His  _ man. Never would he let him go again. Never. 

 

Tony whimpered under him as he inched in and Gibbs stopped immediately, backed away. Unbearable fear settled in his mind and gut. He tried to check on Tony, make sure he didn’t hurt him but within seconds Tony claimed his mouth. All was forgotten, all fear, concern, regret. He drank in the flood of what was Tony. What was him, them. Just them. 

Burying his cock deep in the heat of his man, he sunk in, drank in, drowned in  _ them _ . In the feeling of both of them finally reunited. 

 

Gibbs thrust in deep, feeling the warm, tight heat surrounding his length, hearing Tony moan. His cock twitched and he felt his need gathering in his groin already.  

 

“Fuck!” Gibbs grunted out as he drove back in hard and deep. Quickening the pace of his thrusts more and more. Tony’s breath quickened with every move and Gibbs couldn’t resist to let his fingers caress his jaw. 

 

“Look at me, hon. I want to see you.” He rasped out between his panting breath. He felt Tony’s nails dig deep into his shoulder as he opened his eyes. The green was so intense and full of emotion, it pushed Gibbs right over the edge. He smashed his lips on Tony’s as the waves of ecstasy conquered his body, hard he slammed into him. Spilling himself, he groaned loud into Tony’s mouth,  making him fall apart, as well. 

Gibbs collapsed on top of his man, relishing the sweaty heat surrounding him. 

 

Tony panted hard and Gibbs rolled off of him, making sure to not smash his plastered arm. He pulled Tony into his arms and kissed his head. 

 

“I love you, hon.” His voice was shaking a bit. Gibbs cleared his throat and added. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“Don’t apologize, it’s-” Gibbs silenced him with a kiss. 

 

*/*

 

‘Have you seen Tony? He was released from hospital days ago but he isn’t home!’

 

‘He’s here. Thought you know.’

 

‘Thank god! Enjoy your time together, dear! XO’


End file.
